Free Harder by Blue Ashcroft Page B

again, this time slower.
    After a moment she pushes the drink to the side. “That’s good. Thanks.”
    “You’re welcome.” I’ve already ordered and handed the menus back to the waiter. She rests her head on her arms and looks up at me inquisitively.
    “So with all of this, why didn’t the girls just fall all over you?”
    “Maybe they didn’t know about any of this.”
    “You should have told them. Anyone would be lucky to have dated you.” She says it in a quiet voice, and I don’t know what to make of her tone.
    “I don’t want them to like me for that.” I don’t want her to like me for that either. Yeah, I like to take care of a girl, and I’ll use money along with anything else to put a smile on her face, but I don’t want them to want me just because I can. I want them to just want me .
    Then again, Ally doesn’t really want me at all. Except as a friend. I’m sure that even as she’s eating lobster with me she’ll be assuring herself it doesn’t mean anything, that she’s just helping me get other girls. So I can be normal and get nookie and such. I sigh and mess with my straw.
    “Something wrong?” She touches my hand with hers, then flushes and pulls back, looking away. “You sighed. I thought we talked about that not being badass.”
    “I thought we gave up on me being badass.”
    “Oh right, because you don’t actually like badass chicks.”
    “I like one,” I say, looking up into her gray eyes.
    “Oh.” She pulls her hand all the way back and sits up. She leans against the back of her chair and slumps down and stares out the window. When our food comes, she picks up her fork, but then puts it down again and pushes the plate away.
    “Listen, Ryan. I know what you’re into. I know what you want, but I told you before and I’ll stand by it, you’re barking up the wrong tree. ‘Cause I know what I want too, and I don’t want that again.”
    “Want what?”
    “Marriage. Commitment.” She waves her hand. “All of it. I just want to be young and free. And I like nookie.” She glares up at me like she’s expecting me to challenge her on it. I don’t.
    “Anyway, I’m liking hanging out with you. I like your place and your folks, and the food, and hell, I just kind of like you . A bit. But I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not going there.”
    “There?”
    “You know.” She waves her hand again, bigger this time. “All of that.”
    “Just what do you think I want?”
    She frowns and pulls her plate closer. Eyes it and then sniffs it. “I don’t know, but I don’t think it’s the same as what I want.”
    “I think you’re right,” I say after a long pause. I don’t want to admit it, because it’s like saying it out loud will make it more true. “But I’m still having fun with you right now. Isn’t that okay?”
    “Is that enough for you?” she asks, poking her lobster with her fork. The tail is fluffed up on the shell, and the warmed butter next to it will soon solidify if we don’t hurry.
    “Yes.” It’s not really, but I want her to eat her lobster. Plus, I don’t know what to say when enough isn’t enough, but it’s all you can get.
    When saying you want more will get you nothing. In that way, I guess anything is more enough than nothing.
    She takes a bite of the lobster and sighs in contentment. I lean back in my chair and enjoy watching her.
    It’s enough. It has to be.
    ***
    “Lobster is amazing,” I say, hoping to put the smile back on his face. He hasn’t seemed happy since our little conversation. “It’s like eating a cloud.”
    “Yeah?” He opens the door for me to his car, and I’m happy enough about the food that I let him.
    “Yeah. It’s like a steak, but like a cloud. A cloud steak. I thought steak was the best food, but I think cloud steak is better.”
    He smiles, genuinely this time, and goes to get in on his side. He starts up the car and it purrs. The leather seats are smooth as silk beneath me and his car still has