Free Chameleon On a Kaleidoscope (The Oxygen Thief Diaries) by Anonymous Page B

slumming it was to fuck someone like me.
She was fat little fucker but her accent seemed to suggest
otherwise. As if body fat was something only the lower classes
suffered from. Daddy, a politician in the Hague would no doubt be
suitably livid when she inferred between Dover Sole and Gooseberry
Fool that she’d bedded a Mick. I probably made as much money if not
more than he did but I wanted her to see me as a bohemian writer
mostly because I wanted to believe it myself. She drove a little MG
sports car that she constantly felt the need to apologise for. She
said in a faraway voice that I looked like a Labrador and I somehow
knew by this that we were going to have sex. When she took her
clothes off she expanded like dough and at one point I inserted
myself into what I hoped was her pussy but there was a very real
fear that it might be a sweaty fold in her lower bellies. I tried
to give the impression I was enjoying the sensation so much I had
to close my eyes but she wasn’t having it.
    “ Open your
eyes, would you?”
    The nubile girls I had
conjured in my mind exploded and I suddenly became a sexual
plate-spinner trying to keep her nipples erect so that at least I
could tell what was tit and what was not. When she got on top of me
I had to suppress an urge to fight. I was beginning to doubt if I
could actually orgasm under all that heaving girl-flesh, until she
had the decency to reach down and insert one of her fat fingers in
my butt hole.
    I ejaculated
immediately.
    Flushed with relief, I
turned to her, grateful that I’d never have to see her
again.
    “ I felt
something in there,” she whispered,”you might want to have it
looked at.”
    My hard-won swirl of
endorphins soured inside me.
     
    *****
    “Apple-sick
duck the fuck?”
    The receptionist thought I
was Dutch.
    “ I have an
appointment with Doctor Van Amersvoort.” I explained.
    “ I‘ll tell
him you’re here”
    It would seem silly later,
childish even, but the thought that I would die from stress-induced
cancer of the colon had for the two preceding weeks occupied the
width and breath of my being. Advertising had killed me. Pippa’s
post-coital concern merely confirmed what I had already feared. I’d
die elegantly in nearby France while my medical insurance was still
eligible. At least I wouldn’t have to be insulted by spoken Dutch
ever again. But my almost comforting death-wish was short-lived
when, after administering a gentle lunchtime probing to my virgin
sphincter, the doctor declared me benign. I felt relief and then
joy. And then relief again. It occurred to me that I had been at
least as frightened of getting an erection as a bad diagnosis. You
could say I got the all-clear in more than one sense. Mind you, he
was an ugly fucker.
     
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    This commercial opens with
an over-the-shoulder-shot of me writing on my laptop. The camera
zooms in on the screen until we are looking at what appears to be
an extreme close-up of two equal sized dots positioned one on top
of the other. It’s a Colon.
     
    :
     
    Voiceover:“Getting checked
early can seriously increase your chances of survival.” The camera
finds and settles into the next extreme close-up, this time, one
dot positioned over a comma. A Semi-Colon.
    ;
     
    Voiceover; “Getting
checked when the disease has already set in can prove more
difficult to treat.” The next frame shows only one solitary dot. A
Period.
    .
     
    Voiceover:“Get checked early for colon cancer before it’s too
late. Isuued by Center For Cancer
Research
    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
     
    VALERIYA
    With Silvestro, Christoph
and Johnathan away in Rekyiavik shooting the first instalment of
The Life Less Driven I was left to look after the agency. Four more
shoots would follow in Hong Kong, Berlin, Lisbon, and Rome.
Silvestro had invited me to tae his place but it was wrapped in an
unspoken expectation that I should stay. It was pure diplomacy.
Falfaux had just