Free Dan Taylor Is Giving Up on Women by Neal Doran Page A

of gallantry wouldn’t let me do that with Hannah. Also I would’ve been a little embarrassed.
    ‘I’m, um, just watching the
Cheers
countdown on Comedy Central.’
    ‘I’d just seen a bit of that while I was looking for
Slovakia’s Next Top Model
. Did Sam just go off with twin teenagers? The threesomes obsession I just about get, I suppose, but the twins thing? “Yes, I’d like to bonk two women at once, but preferably ones that look identical to keep things simple”? Why not just shag the same woman twice and get her to wear her hair a bit differently? Dan? Are you there? Or did you go off to your happy place when I said the word threesomes?’
    ‘No, no, I’m listening, they’re doing their hair differently on
Next Top Model
, you say.’
    ‘Nice guess, but try again. Am I on speaker phone?’
    ‘Urr…um, yeah. Sorry, I’m just trying to respond to a text. It’s a bit urgent.’
    ‘Ooh, is it a girl?’ asked Hannah, suddenly excited. ‘It is, isn’t it? I’ll hang up and call you on the landline!’
    I returned to drafting my text. So far I’d tried
Yes Please!
— too giddy;
Sounds all right
— too aloof;
Cool
— too vague;
Coolio
— too twattish. I took a break from my composing while I searched under cushions for my ringing home phone, which, it turned out, had hidden itself under the TV cabinet.
    ‘Hi again,’ I said from my position lying on the floor under the television.
    ‘So who is it? And why hasn’t this been run by us? You know this is in breach of the terms of our deal. You should probably pay us a fine. Ooh, or do a forfeit.’
    ‘It’s Delphine from the office.’
    ‘Ah, your sexy neurotic crush. Now I’m the responsible adult around here, so what’s happening?’
    ‘She’s had a row with her boyfriend.’
    ‘Well,
quelle surprise
.’
    ‘She’s feeling a bit bad about herself, and he’s going off to see his mates, and so she’s asked if I want to go for a drink this afternoon. I’m just trying to find the right way to say yes.’
    ‘Well, that’s easy — say no.’
    ‘But, but, but, I’d quite like to go…’
    ‘And who’s in charge here? Honestly, it’s great that this stunning-looking woman has said she wants to go to the pub with you. And she is gorgeous, and obviously I do hate her in the most complimentary way because of that. But, Dan, your best move is to say you’re busy.’
    ‘When am I going to get another opportunity like this? I thought I’m supposed to be getting myself out there whenever I get the chance?’
    ‘She’s had a row with her boyfriend. He’s still there, is he?’ she asked.
    ‘He was just getting his shoes.’
    ‘So he’s getting ready to go out, and she’s probably parading around the flat in nothing but an undone old shirt ofhis, acting as if his disappearing couldn’t mean less and that she’s got other plans.’
    ‘And I’m the plans! It’s my chance to get in there!’
    ‘You don’t want to be those plans, sweetie,’ she said gently, ‘Tell her you’ve got your own plans.’
    ‘Why would I want to do that?’
    ‘Firstly because it doesn’t pay to be too available in these situations, secondly because she’s thinking of you as a pawn, not a person, and thirdly because you do have plans — an important part of our dating project.’
    ‘On a Sunday afternoon? It’s a church group, isn’t it? You’re sending me to some weird post-mass dating cult. I’m in no fit mental state to avoid being brainwashed. I’ll have to sell all my possessions, sell pamphlets door to door and move to Croydon for a girl who won’t sleep with me until the Second Coming. And that’s not a pun.’
    ‘Calm down, dearie, it’s not dating. It’s prep work. One of the conclusions of Friday night was that if you’re going to be doing a lot of meeting new people, we’re going to have to update your wardrobe a bit. We’re going up West.’
    ‘Rob’s not going to try and convince me the nineteen-thirties look is back in