Free Spud - Learning to Fly by John Van De Ruit Page A

Mermaid will always be out of my league and I should probably settle for somebody with smaller boobs and a better personality.
    The entire Crazy Eight has enrolled in confirmation classes with Reverend Bishop! Our first lesson is this afternoon – I bet the Rev is dreading it …
    CONFIRMATION CLASS 1
    ‘Be God’s Sheep’
    God knows what persuaded the school chaplain to select this title for both his first lesson and as a controversial way of attracting new recruits. If it wasn’t for the fact that everyone appears to be pushing for prefect, I don’t think a single member of the Crazy Eight would have signed up to be religious livestock.
    After a long and heartfelt opening prayer, Reverend Bishop opened up his arms in welcome and asked us if we would like to ask him any questions. Vern immediately thrust his hand into the air and asked the Reverend if he could go to the toilet. The chaplain smiled and said, ‘Of course, Vern.’ Vern grinned at the Reverend but didn’t leave his seat. This confused the school chaplain because he stammered quite badly over his next line and fumbled awkwardly with his papers.
    ‘Father?’ said Rambo, raising his right hand. The Reverend’s face broke into a gentle grin and he said, ‘Robert, there’s no need to call me Father. Reverend will do fine.’
    Rambo looked wistfully out of the window and then back at the chaplain. ‘I would rather call you Father, Father because I don’t have a father …’ Tears immediately sprang to the chaplain’s eyes and he charged over to pat Rambo on the back in sympathy. Boggo snorted derisively from the back of the vestry but didn’t mention the fact that Rambo was overheard at breakfast saying that he and his dead father were going to win the father and son golf day.
    Overall our first confirmation class wasn’t as bad as expected thanks to a fierce debate on the meaning of life and the meaninglessness of school.
    Reverend Bishop says that without a deep commitment to and belief in God, no man or woman will ever lead a fulfilling existence. This obviously accounts for why I’m unfulfilled.
    Boggo volunteered for every single Bible reading, all of which he carried out with a superior look on his face. His routine was to close his eyes at the end of each reading as if consumed with religious spirit and then whisper, ‘Amen.’ He would then return to his seat with his Bible pressed closely to his heart. The chaplain was mightily impressed with Boggo’s religious passion although Simon lost his cool after Boggo’s third performance and blurted out, ‘Reverend, I think you should know that Greenstein is Jewish.’
    ‘So is Spud,’ said Garlic, pointing at me with a pencil.
    Boggo threatened to show everyone his penis, but the chaplain doused the flames by saying, ‘Boys, I don’t care who or what you are. What I care about is that you are here now. After all, let’s be reminded that our Lord and saviour was himself Jewish.’
    ‘Jesus was Jewish?’ boomed Garlic in confusion. The chaplain didn’t answer Garlic and launched straight into his closing prayer, before raising his arms aloft and saying, ‘Now go forth into the world and become God’s sheep.’ The Crazy Eight bleated all the way back to the dormitory.

Thursday 20th February
    Dad phoned to say our house is infested with termites and that it has to be fumigated immediately. He reckons this is a sure sign that the timber industry has fallen into the hands of incompetent leftists. ‘Swines!’ he shouted, although it was unclear whether he was referring to the termites or the leftists.
    After English, The Guv called me aside and said, ‘Milton, I’m sorry I sprang Simpson on you the other day.’
    ‘No problem,’ I said.
    ‘The boy became hysterical after class and I’m terrible with tears,’ he said as if reliving the moment in his mind.
    ‘It’s fine, sir,’ I said.
    The Guv studied me over the top of his spectacles before saying, ‘So as an apology …’