Free Wholly Smokes by John Sladek Page A

free. If a school co-operates, they get a little bonus check at the end of the year.
     
    BOARD MEMBER: Amazing.
     
    DWIGHT: We’re of course planning afull range of teaching materials. That means books, pamphlets, charts, posters, videos, slide presentations.
This chart, for use in diversity appreciation courses, emphasizes the Native American contribution to our culture – so many of the products kids appreciate, like potatoes, corn, and
tobacco
. They will be represented here by the brands kids know and love: Heidi-Ho potato chips, Chompitos corn chips, and of course S TREET L IFE cigarettes.
And here’s an excerpt from our pamphlet,
Your Nutrition:
     
    FACT: Smoking does keep your weight down. In clinical tests, people who smoked S TREET L IFE weighed up to TEN POUNDS LESS than those who refrained from smoking. The non-smokers typically satisfied their cravings with fats and sweets, which often lead to skin problems, heart disease and diabetes.
     
    And over here’s a math problem, figuringhow much tax the government gouges out of apack of cigarettes. Teens always like to ponder how the government is out to get them.
    For those kids already smoking S TREET L IFE , we’ll of course be offeringsales incentives. They can save our coupons and get all kinds of badass stuff with our logo: lighters, leather jackets, bandannas, boot holsters, special tattoos, jewelry to be worn in the nose, tongue, nipples, and so on.
     
    BOARD MEMBER: What about music?
     
    DWIGHT: We’ve created a music video that says it all.
     
    THE MUSIC VIDEO (shows a popular rap group wearing caps, billowing t-shirts, baggy shorts, and shoes an inch thick. They flap their elbows and knees, glower at the camera, and periodically twist their hands into grotesque, spastic-looking gang signs. The logo oneverything, like the huge graffito in the background, says, S TREET L IFE ):
     
    They tell you don’t smoke, but that’s just jive
    They don’t wanna let you just be alive Just B, just B, just B, Just B, just be, just B. A. live S TREET L IFE!
    Dad say, Don’t you smoke, son, cuz
    you 2 young It bad fo’ you, it bad fo’ yo lung And we don’t wanna let you have no fun
    Bring me that ashtray and shut yo face But Dad’s blowin’ smoke and he’s a
    disgrace To the whole human race Dis, dis, dis, disgrace, Dis, dis, dis, disgrace, to the whole human race
.
    S TREET L IFE !
    Teacher say, Don’t smoke on the schoo’ proppity
    Drive by, smoke her, hippity hoppity She puffin’ away on the playground herself
    She only worried about my healf
    It legal fo’ them, why not fo’ me?
    It legal, it legal, it legal
    It legal, it legal, it legal fo’ them, why not fo’ me?
    S TREET L IFE !
    DWIGHT (suddenly draws his cut-lass, leaps up on the conference table, and begins a wild dance. His sea boots kick over coffee carafes, he stomps on papers, he writhes and screams and whirls the cutlass overhead): Yes, yes, I’m the scourge. I’m the scourge. I’m the scourge of the goddamn Caribbean!
(Grabs a woman and hauls her up on the table. They struggle. Dwight’s “white bandanna” comes off. It turns out to be not a bandanna at all, but a bandage. Its removal reveals a shaved head bearing a large scar.)
     
    BOARD MEMBER: Stop him, someone! And for God’s sake, turn off that camera.
     
    In secret, Dwight Badcock had been undergoingsurgery for a massive brain tumor. He was now taken away again to the hospital, for more surgery. Was the tumor producedby grandfather Horace, painting the infant Dwight’s little head with tobacco tar? We may never know for sure. In any case, Dwight was no longer head of the company.

The Final Days
     

    Dust in Badcock
    Dwight was succeeded by his son, Dustin Badcock, an anti-tobacco activist. He was able to stop all cigarette advertising aimed at children, especially the infamous Operation Puff Love. He vowed that he would close the tobacco side of the business entirely, and concentrate on food. The shareholders