Free My Mother's Secret by J. L. Witterick Page B

he knows that voice.
    It is strange to hear the soldiers sing and laugh because whenever we saw them before, they were always serious and scary.
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    M ANY DAYS LATER and quite unexpectedly, we hear the news about Damian.
    We feel the weight of the grief above us, and my father shakes his head in pity.
    My mother holds me close as if she might lose her son at any time too.

Part IV
    V ILHEIM

Chapter 43
    I am lucky not to have been born earlier in Germany.
    Having turned eighteen in 1942, I am not recruited until the war has been going on for almost three years.
    My commanders think that I am useless, but they don’t know that I shoot to miss.
    I can’t imagine taking a life, any life.
    Before being drafted into the army, I had hoped to become a veterinarian. My
oma
has a dairy farm, which has been in our family for a hundred years. The farm is located in the far north of Germany, where there are more cows than people. Unlike other farms, we also keep horses, goats, and pigs.
    The land here is as beautiful as you will see anywhere, with green pastures stretching to meet the horizon. Even with the war, it feels peaceful here.
    Oma
teaches me to value every living being—an attitude that is sorely inconsistent with being a soldier and a Nazi.
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    M Y PARENTS DIVORCED SHORTLY after my birth, so I have never seen them both together, except in a few pictures that Oma has. They’re both attractive people with perfect smiles.
    My mother wanted to pursue an acting career and felt that if anyone knew that she had a child, it would have made her less attractive, less desirable. She left me with her mother, who loves me enough to make up for both my mother and my father.
    I have no memories of my father because he visited only once when I was still a baby.
    The earliest memory I have of my mother is that she came to visit on a rainy day.
    I know because I was wet and when I went to hug her, as Oma had instructed me to do, my mother pushed me away and said, “Oh no, not my silk dress. You’ll ruin it!”
    Her usual way with me is to say, “Kiss, kiss,” like it is one word, while sending puckering sounds in my direction.
    Sometimes she puts her cheek against mine while she kisses into the air and says, “I love you, darling.”
    â€œIt’s hard for your mother, Vilheim, because you look so much like your father,” Oma tells me.
    I picture myself looking like Oma and not my father, who I don’t think much about. Both Oma and I are tanned and toned from spending so much time outdoors. My mother, by comparison, has skin so pale, it’s almost translucent. When I was small, I used to think that she might have been a ghost, and I was afraid of her.
    I learn that when my mother comes to visit, one of our animals will soon be gone. She needs money and Oma has to sell a horse, some goats, or some pigs to give her the cash she has come for.
    It becomes so obvious to me that I resent her visits. I start to hate her beauty, her floral perfume, her furs, and everything about her.
    I run to hide when she comes, afraid that she might take me with her.
    She never does.
    Eventually my mother stops coming to visit at all, and we hear that she has gone to the United States.
    I am relieved that our animals are now safe.

Chapter 44
    O ma and I eat very little meat.
    It happened one day while we were having lamb for dinner.
    We looked out the window at our sheep, who were peacefully grazing on the hill. They were so innocent and beautiful. In that moment, we both looked at each other and then down at our plates. It just felt wrong.
    I learn how to take care of all the animals and even have my own horse. I spend hours brushing and grooming him, and, unlike most people, I look forward to it.
    On my horse, I ride through fields and forests, which are oblivious to the ambitions of men.
    It is when I feel the most free.
    From