Free Who We Were Before by Leah Mercer Page A

eyes fly open at the sound of Zoe’s voice, and I reach out from where I’m sitting in the waiting area and grasp her hand. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes spark with excitement, and even though it’s the middle of the night, she’s never looked so beautiful. ‘Is everyone all right?’
    Zoe nods. ‘Yes, the baby’s absolutely gorgeous, and Kate was amazing. Come on in and say hello.’
    ‘Okay.’ I rub my eyes, every cell in my body longing for bed. When Kate asked Zoe to be her birthing partner ‘because Giles is useless’, I didn’t realise my presence offside would be required, too. Still, I was only too happy to drive Zoe here once Kate rang to say she was in labour at the hospital. And once we arrived, Zoe kept telling me ‘it wouldn’t be long now’. Twelve hours later . . . I don’t mind, though. Actually, I’ve been a little curious, since the odds of having my own child are firmly stacked against me.
    Zoe takes my arm and leads me into the room. On the bed, Kate’s cradling the tiniest baby I’ve ever seen, with crinkly pink skin. Both she and Giles are staring at their child as if they can’t believe she’s here, that this will be theirs forever. Something inside me lurches painfully and I smile to cover it up.
    ‘Congratulations!’ I touch Kate on the arm and give Giles what I hope is a manly pat on the back. ‘She’s beautiful.’
    ‘Isn’t she?’ Kate grins over, glowing despite the long, hard labour. ‘I mean, I haven’t a clue what to do with her now, but . . .’
    ‘You’ll figure it out,’ Zoe says. ‘And you can always ring Auntie Zoe to come round when you need a break!’ She takes my arm again. ‘Right, we’ll give you some family time now. Call me when you’re home, okay?’ She leans down to kiss Kate on the cheek, puts out a finger to stroke the baby’s cheek, then propels me from the room.
    Family time . Zoe’s words ring in my head. Giles and Kate are a family, a neat little unit taking on the world together. Husband, wife and child, bound together by genes and love. After seeing them, I realise now how much I want that, but I know it’s not going to happen. It makes me long for the intimacy of marriage all the more.
    ‘Phew.’ Zoe sags against me out in the corridor. ‘Now that was an experience! Did you see how tiny the baby was? I can’t believe how small her fingers were.’
    ‘I know.’ I wrap my arms around Zoe, stroking her hair.
    ‘And can you believe Kate’s a mother? I mean, for God’s sake, they’ve only been married less than a year! It’s all happened so fast.’
    I nod. Kate and Giles are the first couple we know really well to have a baby. It’s like they’ve crossed an invisible divide from marriage to parenthood. That same feeling tugs at my stomach and I swallow hard. Has this changed Zoe’s mind about having a baby? And what will that mean for us?
    It’s approaching a year now since we met – two months since I moved in – and things between us have never been better. In fact, I don’t think they could be better. I worried at first about Zoe feeling too crowded, or a little freaked out about taking such a big step. But she’s been as loving and happy as ever, and the two of us have transformed her flat into a home for us both. Every photo we put up and piece of furniture we buy together lends a sense of permanency to our relationship, and I hope that someday in the future – the near future – she’ll agree to be my wife. I haven’t said anything, since I want it to be a surprise, but I’ve already started looking at rings. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I propose.
    ‘How are you feeling about everything?’ I scan her face, my shoulders tense. ‘Has this made you change your mind about having kids?’
    ‘Oh, God, no.’ She shudders. ‘I’ve never seen someone’s stom ach contract like that, and I never want to again. It was like some thing from The Exorcis t ! And no drugs? Shit. And