Free Man Who Was Late by Louis Begley Page B

Shiites have never believed in such closing of the gates; for them, in every generation there has to be at least one
mujtahed
, so that among them the delicious process of
ijtihad
has continued unabated. On this issue, the best
ulama
among the Sunni have now rallied to the Shiite position.
    This information comes from Dr. Bensalem. He swears it is accurate, his uncle having been a great shari’a scholar.
    A shithead, on the other hand, is someone whose head is full of shit. I have that on the authority of the Cockney, whom I interrogated exhaustively before giving up my initial understanding of the word. Pre-Cockney, I understood it to denote a more superficial condition, that of one’s pate or possibly hair having been smeared with excrement.
    Why go into this? Disgust at what I have become, fear that my head is just so packed with ignoble desires, envy, thoughts rooted in nothing and leading nowhere. When I traded in my chance for a life of something like
ijtihad
, I should have picked
taqlid
. Why not? Isn’t that what they practiced so joyouslyin every heder in Lithuania and Poland? Only I could have done it at a fancy law firm. As it is, I read
Business Week
instead and claim that if I am paid enough I can also interpret the
Mene, Tekel, Upharsin
on the wall.
    Before Christmas, I was in Venice with the Cockney. One walks down the frozen nave of the Frari, through the arch of the choir, and suddenly perceives the Virgin ascending, her young peasant girl’s feet hidden in a small, playful cloud, just out of the reach of the uplifted arms of the Apostles, who, until a moment ago, thought she was among them. Surrounding her is a crescent of cherubim, some standing or sitting on the same playful cloud, others supporting it. Above, like a flying saucer, soars the Father, propelled by two more grown-up angels; His dark-hued face is bearded and virile, resembling the vaporetto captain whose vessel I seem to board so often.
    I told the Cockney I felt so “exalted and humbled” that while we were there I managed to forget about being a shithead. She paid no attention whatsoever. Perhaps she thinks I’m talking to myself. The day before, when we visited Santa Maria Formosa, I showed her the tombstone inscription near the altar that bears Hermann Wilhelm’s name and mentioned that it is believed Rilke had been inspired by it. Then I launched into a discourse about Rilke’s preference for Angels, lovers, animals, and trees that, as an analogy, might serve to explain my fondness for her.
    Resolved: I will spend more time on sex and think less about food, clothes, and money.
    Notaben 274, dated 15/3/70:
    I have prepared the following notice that might, when I have had it suitably engraved, be presented by Gianni (when that invaluable man returns) on a little silver tray (naturally in a closed envelope) to all lady visitors:
    How to Get the Most out of Monsieur Ben
    While you are here, Monsieur will be as ardent as circumstances permit. Please respect his illusions and refrain from being more ardent than he!
    Montherlant says somewhere that more marriages have been spoiled by bad breath than by infidelity. I live in terror of sour-smelling mouths, my own and those of others. Children of both sexes, young girls, and young cats can be approached without guile: no need to offer them mint candy, cigars, or garlic to mask the fetor of tired gums.
    The whole of Montherlant’s oeuvre validates, with Old Testament sternness, my forthcoming notice to lovelorn visitors. The only question is: Have I made my meaning plain? In a later, improved edition I may try a formula. Sexual interest of
B
in
X
(which we shall call
I
) is reduced in proportion to the amount by which the sexual interest of
X
in
B
exceeds the value of
I
. In my case it is not only sexual interest(and performance) that are so affected—the blight spreads over all of my affection for
X
. I cannot bear to receive more than I am able to give. Is this just my own starved and