through the back door and go straight to the kitchen for a glass of water. I catch my reflection in the window over the sinkâflushed cheeks and a purple-stained mouth.
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When I open the cabinet, my stomach plunges to the floor, and everything feels still and limp. I see them, lined up, two rows of five on the bottom shelf.
Everything tastes better in a mason jar.
Iâd forgotten about the jars, and how Iâd come outside one winter morning to find them in a big white box cradled in Adamâs arms. Iâd used them as drinking glasses all through high schoolâway before Pinterest, hipsters, and gastro pubs. Mason jars had been a sort of obsession for me back in high school, but now the sight of them lined up in my motherâs kitchen made my throat feel thick, and I wanted to vomit all over the granite.
I stumble into the den, forgetting that Eli is entertaining his lady friend. She stands up when she sees me, as if sheâd been waiting all this time to make an introduction.
âHoiiiiii, Awwwbry, Iâm Ashley.â Her accent is so thick and so Long Island that I know it canât be real. âItâs so nice to meet you.â I only catch a glimpse of her but I can tell sheâs got red hair, like Eli, and is wearing a Nassau Community College sweatshirt.
âHi,â I say, and nod at Eli, whoâs still sprawled out on the couch and looks stoned out of his mind.
âWhere were you tonight? Momâs been asking a million questions.â
âAbout what?â
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He puts on his best Karen impression. ââWhere did your sister go? Did you talk to your sister yet? Whatâs wrong with your sister? Why is your sister so sketchy?â You know. The usual.â Ashley laughs uncomfortably, until she realizes that Iâm not really amused.
I shrug. âI went out.â He nods at me and sits up, planting his bare feet on the carpet.
âI ran into Adam,â he says, so casual, and I instinctively catch my breath again.
âWhat? When?â He reaches into a bag of Doritos and stuffs a handful in his mouth, before wiping his hand on his basketball shorts.
âEarlier today at the bagel place,â he says through a full mouth of chips, spitting bits of nacho dust.
âWhat did he say?â Ashley looks between us, as if she expects one of us to explain who Adam is, but I just stare down at Eli, waiting for an answer as he swallows.
âI donât know. Just asked me if I heard about Rachel.â
âDid he ask about me?â I start, but Ashley cuts in.
âSo sad. I heard she was a really cool girl.â I catch myself midscoff, but itâs too late, and this Ashley girl looks pretty embarrassed, but I donât have time to deal with this, so I smile, obnoxiously, and turn toward my room.
A really cool girl.
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Chapter 8
August 2005.
M AX â S BODY WAS found almost exactly one month after he kissed me. He was my first and only kiss at the time, and it had been the last time I ever saw him alive.
The deli was pretty empty the morning they found him. Rachel and I hadnât been back to the Jumps since that day. She said she was just being elusive, didnât want to come off as desperate and immature. But I think one of the senior girls must have warned her to back offâthat or sheâd been too embarrassed to admit that Jason had never called her.
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A rush of cold air hit us as we walked through the door. The girl behind the counter was in Marcâs grade. I think they dated once. I flashed her a phony smile and noticed her eyes were raw and watery, like sheâd been crying. Rachel scanned an issue of Cosmo, and I placed Strawberry Crush in front of the register.
âThat it?â she asked, snapping her gum. I nodded, but when she tried to ring it up, the bar code wouldnât scan. She tried twice more, flashed me an annoyed smile, and went to get the owner.
âHey,â Rachel