Free Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? by Steve Lowe, Alan Mcarthur, Brendan Hay Page B

cracking open some fair-trade Sauvignon Blanc.
    “EVERYONE’S DOING IT—EXCEPT YOU!” CULTURE
    The school playground has long revolved around the question:
Have you done it yet?
By adulthood, the answer is generally yes, so magazines have to invent new questions by changing the
it
from “had sex” to “had sex with three or more tranny geishas in a hot tub?” If the answer is no, you’re pretty much still a virgin.
    Basically, it’s time to get it on with the new sex rules. (What do you mean, you don’t find rules sexy?) Women’s magazines like
Cosmopolitan
open up this awesome new bedquake by offering cover lines about “Kinky Survey Results” revealing “The Daring New Sex Everyone Else Is Having! Lose your morals on p. 94 now.” Everyone, that is, except you.
    To prove they have what it takes, too, men’s magazines send reporters into the underbelly of this new sexy sex-beast.
Maxim
offered “Dominatrix Detection” or, rather, ten signs that your co-worker might be Mistress Riding Crop. Among the clues: “She’s always wearing at least one piece of clothing made from patent leather.”
    Now, whatever anyone wishes to do sexually, we personally couldn’t give a flying fuck (hey, you could even have a flying fuck). But we do wonder if everyone is constantly pushing the boundaries in the same way as the reader of the UK’s
New Woman
magazine who, when responding to the Kinky Sex Survey, revealed her “hottest sex ever” was—no lie—“being spanked by a dwarf while tied up.” Come on! Everyone else is being spanked by a dwarf while tied up! What? You haven’t tried that yet? We thought everyone had done it by now. Oh well.
    We’ve no idea why she was showing off anyway. Spanking is not where it’s at with dwarf sex this week. She hadn’t even watched a leather-clad Russian oligarch felch a blind Asian crack dwarf while herself manually pleasuring a Shetland pony. Everyone’s done that.
    EXERCISE VIDEOS
    Here is a fun quiz. Which is the weirdest exercise video of them all? Is it:
    •
Anna Kournikova—Basic Elements.
Combines a workout with an elementary chemistry lesson.
    •
Carmen Electra’s Fit to Strip.
Which shows you how to get fit by rubbing yourself on businessmen’s crotches and getting implants. Possibly.
    •
The Bollywood Dance Workout with Hemalayaa.
Like all things Bollywood, you’ll get bored and turn it off after five minutes, yet still tell friends it was totally entertaining.
    •
Girls Next Door Workout.
Starring three busty blondes who live at the Playboy Mansion. Watch as they take turns bench-pressing Hef.
    •
Tantra Tai Chi for Couples (Adult Educational).
Eh? Eh? We’ll say.
    •
Denise Austin: Boot Camp—Total Body Blast.
In which the 1980s fitness guru takes on the seemingly unbeatable Russian monster Drago to avenge the death of her friend Apollo Creed. Actually, no, now we come to think about it, that’s
Rocky IV.

F
    FAITH SCHOOLS
    God helps you learn stuff. Everyone knows this. If God’s there glaring over your shoulder, it really focuses the mind on understanding how glaciation works. No one can put the fear of God into you like God. Don’t think He can’t see you drawing a penis onto Henry VIII’s forehead in that textbook. He’s a big fucker, too, so watch out.
    In twenty-first-century America—a place where people think more about Ron Jeremy than about God—a tenth of all schools are now allied to a faith. The nation is blessed with Catholic schools, Muslim schools, Jewish schools, evangelical schools, Seventh-Day Adventist schools; in Hartford there are even plans for a school that worships Thor, the Norse God of Thunder, where pupils can specialize in bolt throwing, beard maintenance, warmongering, and, of course, thunder.
    Now, if people want to spend a year’s salary to send their kids to a school without certified teachers just because it teaches that dinosaur bones were buried in the ground by Satan to test our faith, that’s their