Free You by Zoran Drvenkar Page B

it.
Tell your brother a secret
, he said to you. And so you bent down to Oskar and whispered in his ear.
What secret did your big brother tell you?
your father then asked Oskar, who immediately widened his eyes, held his breath, and shook his head. Sometimes your father ordered him to lie on the floor and then pressed Oskar’s little face into the carpet with one hand. Or else he pulled him up by his hair, until the tips of Oskar’s toes scrabbled above the floor.
What secret did your big brother tell you?
The same question, over and over again. Tears flowed down Oskar’s cheeks, he didn’t want to disappoint his father, he wanted to be big and strong and show what he had learned. Your father grabbed him by the throat.
I can feel the secret
, he said,
it’s hidden in here, I can feel it, I can feel it really clearly
. That was too much for Oskar, he slumped unconscious to the ground. Your father turned to you.
Your brother was brave, he didn’t say anything. Now there’s just you. What’s your secret? What am I not supposed to find out?
He threatened you with a lot of things, and you were the brave soldier and stood stiffly and looked past him, because eye contact was forbidden. He hit your mother to make you speak. Nothing. He asked you if you wanted him to rape her in front of your eyes. You shook your head and held your tongue. That was a mistake.
You’re saying no to me?
He took you into the bathroom, and there in the dark and with a wet towel over your head you cracked. It was too much. It was memory and it was the madness of a man who was your father and always found a way into your head. The secret came stammering over yourlips. It was over. Your father led you in silence from the bathroom. He waited till your brother was conscious again, then he spat in your face and said, You’re a traitor and you would have gambled away your whole family’s lives. Your brother had to spit on you too and your mother wasn’t allowed to look at you for the rest of the evening.
    It was all a matter of discipline.
    Since that day more than thirty years ago you have known exactly what silence is worth. Today your father could do what he liked to you, he wouldn’t have a chance. You’ve learned from him.
    It takes Tanner and David forty minutes to find the boy. They bring him down to the swimming pool. David tries to tell you all the places they’ve been looking. You wave him away, you don’t want to hear it. They leave you alone.
    He looks like he’s about twelve, but you’re sure he’s older, otherwise he wouldn’t be in your son’s crowd and they wouldn’t be friends. You wait for him to meet your eye before you say, “Do you know who I am?”
    He shakes his head. He doesn’t know your face, but he knows your name.
    “My name is Ragnar Desche.”
    He ducks down, he actually ducks down. Good. His eyes flicker from left to right, he gradually realizes how much trouble he’s in.
    “Your girlfriend stood us up, that’s why you’re here, do you get that?”
    He nods, even though you’re sure he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. You let it go, you want to get it over with as quickly as possible.
    “As I’m sure you’ll have noticed, I have a small problem here. You see the man in the armchair?”
    The boy turns his head.
    “His name is Oskar. He was my brother. Now do you understand why I brought you here?”
    The boy looks at you for a moment, then turns his head away. You can see the dark fluff trembling on his top lip. You should ask more questions, make him feel he has something to say.
    “Where do you come from?”
    “From here.”
    “And your parents?”
    “Slovenia.”
    “Do the Slovenians get on with the Serbs?”
    The boy’s eyes wander nervously around the room.
    If he bursts into tears right now
, you think,
I will go crazy
.
    “I asked you a question.”
    “I … I don’t know.”
    “You’re Slovenian and you
don’t know
if the Slovenians get on with the Serbs?”
    “I’m