Free The Loneliness of the Long Distance Book Runner by Bill Rees Page B

fête, has robbed him of any residual air of municipal dignity he might once have possessed. The aniseed liquor heightens further the crazy notion of the ‘old village’ being at stake. ‘A three,’ he excitedly declares amid the approving roars of the revellers. We both search our pockets for the one franc needed, egged on by a drunken crowd. The ‘old village’ is ours. The mayor, reckless with age and alcohol, retrieves the deeds. And with the official stamp of the Mairie , Talagout village is sold to us for ‘ le franc symbolique ’.
    Two days later the mayor has sobered. He isn’t sure of the exact legal position but he reasons it pretty academic. The sale might even generate publicity for the region, which owes its prosperity as much to tourism as it does to the grape. It might also help their recently hatched project to twin the town, I suggest. ‘ Entente cordiale and all that.’
    I get down to a new business. Estate Agency.

    A GREAT EUROPEAN PROPERTY DEAL: 333 house village in South of France for sale. Extensive renovation work required. Derelict since 1955. Lovely surrounding vineyards in hilly countryside. Exceptionally humid climate. Consult us.
    By the last week of August, I am convinced that my fortune lies in writing a spoof detective novel that breaks all the rules as laid down by Father Knox. I discover, in a pamphlet on the crime fiction genre written by Julian Symons, that in 1929 the clergyman produced a list of the ten Commandments of Detective Fiction. They are as follows:
    1 The detective must be mentioned early on
    2 Supernatural solutions are ruled out
    3 Only one secret room or passage is allowed
    4 No undiscovered poisons are permitted
    5 No Chinamen should appear in the story
    6 The detective must not be helped by lucky accidents, or by intuitions
    7 The detective must not himself commit the crime
    8 Nor must he conceal clues from the reader
    9 The thoughts of ‘The Watson’ must not be concealed
    10 There must be a special warning of the use of twin brothers or doubles
    In my crime novel, an English protagonist will be undone by cultural differences. For example, an Englishman would expect to be able to leave his front door without needing a key. A French front door could trap him.
    In fact Josef Škvorecký, Czech writer and publisher, has already harvested a book from the Commandments. His Sins for  Father Knox , published in 1991, comprises ten stories (two featuring Lieutenant Boruvka) in which a crime occurs that violates one of Father Knox’s rules, thus serving up a double challenge: Who dunnit? and Which rule was broken? An Amazon reviewer says that the ‘result is a genuinely innovative, brain-teaser of a novel that pokes fun at American pulp fiction.’
    Having an idea, but not the application nor the actual talent to follow it through, is a prevailing theme in my life. There are so many distractions. Years later, in my second shop, the internet proves another distraction. I even find time to submit haikus to The Guardian online.
    want to win a prize?
    encapsulate news events
    in three simple lines
    a haiku headline
    snapshot of the world today
    elucidation
    The site contains haiku of the day, featured poets, and a rejection of the 5-7-5 restrictions. The best topical haiku received will be posted on the site, and each week the overall winner will net its author £20 worth of Penguin Classics. Great. Free stock. But I never actually win, in spite of repeated attempts and a developing obsession. I even get a friend ‘John’ to have a go. Honourable mentions to…
    Off-colour health news
    White doctors better treated
    NHS disease.
                                           William Rees
    Paddington Hatfield
    There’s blood on the Railtrack STOP
    All Change to Corbett
                                           William Rees
    Now summer is here
    Noisy kids sweltering nights
    Solstice? Bag