Free Watch How We Walk by Jennifer LoveGrove Page A

bathroom and clicked the door locked behind her.
    â€” I don’t remember fainting after my exam. And so what, I was tired, I’d been up all night studying. Three nights, in fact. Big deal. I do well at school and you commit me? You’re just jealous!
    She didn’t look at me.
    â€” It’s just a few days. They have to do an assessment.
    â€” You’re trying to sabotage me! You don’t want me to go to university because the elders will get you in trouble.
    â€” That’s not true, Emily. I wish you didn’t have to be here either. I don’t know what else to do. It’s for the best.
    â€” For the best? Nothing’s wrong with me!
    â€” I know nothing is wrong with you. But . . .
    â€” But what.
    â€” You’ve been injuring yourself. It’s not normal.
    â€” No one is normal. Let’s just get out of here.
    â€” We can’t. She exhaled loudly.
    â€” We have to be careful.
    â€” What do you mean, careful?
    I knew exactly what she meant, but I didn’t care, I said it anyway.
    â€” Because of Lenora?
    She didn’t move. She sat very still for a long time, and I watched the big, old industrial clock tick with hesitant, unnerving jerks, as though unsure it was doing it right.
    Then the bed began to shake slightly. My mother’s upper body was quivering.
    â€” I’m sorry. I just— She inhaled harshly, trying to stop crying.
    â€” I guess I just did everything wrong with you guys. I thought it was right, I wanted what was best for both of you, I really did, and it all ended up wrong.
    I didn’t know what to say to her. It would have been better if she’d said that she hated me, that everything was all my fault. For what happened to Lenora, to Uncle Tyler, for what happened to me. Being there, in the psych ward. The nuthouse. It was all my fault. I knew that was the truth, but she was blaming herself. And that made it even worse.
    â€” It’s not your fault.
    This made her cry even harder.
    â€” But it is. And I’m sorry.
    I let her cry. I passed her a tissue but I felt very far away, as though I were watching this happen on a stage far on the horizon. Why now? Why was she finally saying all this stuff? Why not before?
    â€” Are you going to leave the Truth?
    â€” Oh Emily. Of course not. I mean, I don’t know. It made so much sense at first. And I was so in love with your dad. I was. I just. I don’t know really. He changed. Everything changed. He was so focused on the Hall and the readings and trying to get in good with the elders and get more responsibility, he just withdrew from me. From us.
    She paused and I didn’t say anything. I just let her keep talking.
    â€” I thought that if I got more involved with the Witnesses too, it would bring us closer together.
    â€” Did it work? Once I started, I couldn’t stop asking cruel questions.
    She sighed and shrugged.
    â€” For a time, yes. But then he just got more and more distant, like he was just playing a role. I don’t know. Maybe that’s what everybody’s marriages are like.
    â€” Where’s Dad today? How come he didn’t come here?
    â€” You know he’s Full-Time Pioneering again this month. He can’t bring himself to ever skip a day. Someone might tell the elders on him or something. She tried, and failed, to laugh.
    â€” What about when he’s done?
    â€” By that time, visiting hours will be over.
    Part of me wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. It was as though all her tears had supplanted and negated the need for my own. We were both exhausted.
    â€” Are you going to come back tomorrow?
    â€” If you want me to.
    We both attempted smiles that ended up contorted, lopsided grimaces. She left and I collapsed back on the bed.
    Even though I couldn’t explain it, something between us had changed, if only for a moment.
    Louisa emerged tentatively from the washroom, as though she’d been