Free Facing the Light by Adèle Geras Page B

said, kissing the cheek that smelled the way it always did, of lavender talcum powder. ‘And I’m not Maude. I’m Leonora.’ She sat down in the chair on the other side of the fireplace andbegan to talk. Nanny Mouse liked to keep up with what was going on at Willow Court. She was particularly interested in the filming.
    â€˜The television people. Are they coming to see me?’
    â€˜Of course, Nanny. You’ll be in the film. You’re the only person in the family apart from me who actually knew Ethan Walsh.’
    Nanny Mouse nodded. ‘I did. He was good to me. In his way, you understand. He wasn’t much of a one for women. Poor Maude!’
    The old woman fell silent then. She was holding a handkerchief, twisting a corner of it with her fingers. Silence began to grow in the room, seeping into the shadowy corners the sunlight couldn’t reach. Leonora spoke to disperse it, to distract Nanny. The whole family knew that she found it painful to talk of a time when she was very young, whether because it made her feel older, or for some other reason never given.
    â€˜The children are here, Nanny. I’ll bring little Douggie to see you. You remember him, don’t you? Efe’s son? My great-grandson. Of course you do. He’s such a lovely little boy.’
    â€˜But he mustn’t wander,’ Nanny said, looking up and leaning forward and plucking at Leonora’s knee. ‘Terrible when they wander. Were you here when he wandered away?’
    â€˜Douggie’s never wandered away,’ Leonora said, and she could feel her heart beating in her throat. Nanny wasn’t talking about Douggie. Change the subject. She said, ‘You should see the food up at the house, Nanny. We’ve got pounds and pounds of strawberries. Enough for an army. I’ll send some down to you tomorrow if you like.’
    â€˜Strawberries,’ Nanny Mouse repeated. ‘Oh, yes, I do like them! We had them for the wedding, didn’t we?’
    â€˜My wedding, yes,’ Leonora said, trying to keep up.
    â€˜He was dead by then, of course, or maybe he died just after that.’
    â€˜Daddy? Yes, he died just before my wedding. I used to think how very sad it was that I couldn’t properly enjoy my wedding day, because my father had just died.’
    â€˜And good riddance!’ Nanny Mouse said firmly. Miss Lardner came into the room just then and showed off the vase of late roses.
    â€˜Look at these, Nanny!’ she said. ‘Mrs Simmonds has brought us some lovely roses.’ Nanny Mouse stared at the pink and cream-coloured flowers and the dark green leaves, not seeing them.
    â€˜No one knows anything,’ she said to Leonora, her hands like mouse paws trembling in her lap. ‘No one hears what I say any more, and I say good riddance. I’m glad he’s dead.’
    She leaned back in her chair, tired from the emotion she’d expended. There were tears in her eyes. Leonora sighed. She knew that Ethan Walsh was a subject best avoided. Poor old Nanny is irrational when it comes to Daddy, Leonora thought. A little soft in the head, I expect. Well, she is frightfully old. It was time to change the subject again.
    â€˜Alex is going to come and see you, Nanny. Everyone’s here for my birthday.’
    â€˜Is it Leonora’s birthday come round again? Will she have a magician?’ Nanny Mouse’s eyes sparkled. Leonora looked at her and shivered. Please God don’t let me become like this, she thought. How ghastly to have a kind of wilderness in your head, and be forever wandering around in it, not sure at all of where anything was or when things happened. How unbearable to be so lost! She closed her eyes. I pray it never happens to me. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t bear to be lost in my own head.
    *
    Sean Everard found that he was smiling to himself almostall the time these days without even knowing it. People kept telling him so.