Free House of Windows by Alexia Casale Page B

to do that for five hours at a stretch?’
    ‘Pretty drunk, but just go with the flow. Trust me, no one will think you look stupid: for a start, no one can even see straight by this point.’
    ‘So why are you standing around talking to me? Why don’t you go and get pointy dancing already?’
    ‘Seriously?’ Tim shuddered. ‘Do I look like I want to hang out with a bunch of lacquered undergrads?’
    ‘Then why are you so dead set on sending me up there?’
    ‘Because this is your first Trinity Hall Viva! It’s a rite of passage. Go thou forth, little Fresher, and … OK, so no drinking till you puke for you … but you could go and snog a bunch of inappropriate people.’
    ‘Oh yeah, because eighteen-year-olds love snogging short fifteen-year-olds. And then there’s the whole possibility of going to jail—’
    ‘I said go and get your snog on, not go and sleep with anyone. There will be plenty of people up there so drunk they’d snog the Master if he gave them half a chance. And, OK, you’re a bit on the short side, but you’re taller than some of the girls … and I’m sure there are plenty of boys who like short guys if you’re more that way inclined.’
    ‘Just when I thought my evening couldn’t get worse, there’s you and this conversation.’
    Tim frowned at him. ‘It must be bad: you forgot to mutter. What’s got your knickers in a twist now? I mean, you can’t have been expecting SuperHall food to taste like, well, food. I mean, you were at the Matriculation Feast: you had to have guessed that SuperHall was just going to be all the bad bits squared and a tenner for your stomach pains.’
    ‘Don’t you have somewhere else to be?’
    Tim grinned broadly. ‘Definitely, but since I’m having so much fun basking in the warmth of your charming company—’
    ‘Mr Brethan, I can hear you trying and failing to be humorous from my room,’ cut in a sharp voice. Nick looked around to find Professor Gosswin glaring up the stairs to the JCR. ‘Why must these dreadful sounds be amplified past all reasonable limits? Surely there is some health and safety regulation against it.’
    ‘Nope,’ Tim replied, rocking backwards and forwards on his heels. ‘They’ll shut it off just after midnight like they do every bop. But we can stand here and listen to you whinge till then if that’ll brighten your evening.’
    Professor Gosswin gave him a withering look. ‘Good night, Mr Brethan.’
    ‘Oh, but Nick and I were—’
    ‘Go away, Mr Brethan.’
    Tim grinned, but sauntered off obligingly.
    ‘If you are going to go and permanently damage your hearing, you should get on with it, Mr Derran.’
    ‘The porters threw me out,’ Nick snarled. ‘They wouldn’teven let me go to SuperHall. I promised I wouldn’t drink but—’
    ‘That is understandably naïve of you, Mr Derran, but it has been my long experience that it is nigh-on impossible to attend College functions without being practically doused in alcohol. You might be willing to abstain but I’m sure that one of your drunker and stupider compatriots would take great pride in finding a way to ensure that you imbibed.’
    ‘Why can’t my dad just sign some legal disclaimer that he won’t sue the College no matter—’
    ‘I imagine that the College’s legal position is more complex than that. Regrettable as it may be, Mr Derran, your situation in this regard is a lost cause. In any case, I do not think you are missing much. By the morning the College will have been bathed in regurgitated alcopops and most of the undergraduates will be suffering from temporary memory loss induced by alcohol poisoning. You will be quite safe in pretending you were there if you feel that your absence will somehow hamper your social standing. No one will be any the wiser. Now, while this racket continues to prevent me from retiring at a reasonable hour, we shall continue your chess education. You may put the kettle on.’
    By the time Professor Gosswin had barked