Free How to Do a Liver Transplant by Kellee Slater Page A

young man who put a tube of builder’s foam up his bottom and pulled the trigger.
    This is the type of gap filler that expands to mend cracks in walls. Once it fills the space, it sets hard. This crazy guy filled his entire large bowel with this expanding foam and I had to cut him open to remove it. He did manage to get a perfect cast of his colon as a souvenir of the experience. A year later he did the same thing, except this time he went up his penis and got a similar model of his bladder. A collector, I guess.
    Then there was the ‘peanut guy’ who every few months would put four to five peanuts up his penis. Goodness knows what device he used to poke them up there. His particular thrill was derived from having a telescope put up his penis to remove them. After several calls, all after midnight, to tell me that he was back with his bladder full of peanuts, I would flatly refuse to leave my warm bed to go and help him.
    â€˜Just put him in the ward and I’ll deal with it tomorrow,’ I would bark. By the time the morning came, he had usually peed them out and I wouldn’t have to lift a finger, depriving him of his pleasure. He would just deposit the nuts in a little bottle on the nurse’s desk, shrug his shoulders and tell them he was off home. ‘See you next week,’ the nurses would call out as he left.
    But by far the most famous of all ‘inserters’ was the ‘butternut pumpkin man’. Yes, you read right. He was a regular attendee to the Emergency Department with a full-size butternut pumpkin up his bum. Needless to say,this took years of practice and many attempts to achieve this incredible feat and it also goes without saying that you could easily park a bus in his rectum and that he had to wear an adult diaper full-time.

    One of the terrible side effects of taking narcotic drugs like heroin and morphine is severe constipation. After a while the bowels stop pushing the poo forward and the addict might only have a bowel movement every two weeks or so. A lady who was a long-term abuser of prescription pills was admitted with this very problem. She had not opened her bowels for many days and was in a desperate situation. She was so backed up, she was actually vomiting. We put her under anaesthesia so I could put my gloved fingers into her bottom and scoop out the hard rocks of poo. Those few lumps, however, were the tip of the iceberg. The only way to really get things moving in this situation is to give the patient two to three litres of salty water to drink. This results in a massive evacuation that goes on and on until the bowel is empty. It is a very unpleasant process.
    Because of her drug addiction, this particular lady was very difficult to work with. She was demanding and abusive toward the nursing staff, yelling and screaming at them to get her more drugs to relieve her pain. This continual barrage of insults, not surprisingly, caused thenurses to dislike her immensely. After she finally drank the litres of salty water I had prescribed, the woman then demanded that the nurses give her a very heavy sedative to knock her out. She was sick and tired of us all and just wanted to ‘zone out’. The nurses told her that they did not think it was a good idea, but she abused them some more and insisted. ‘Fine,’ they said, ‘do what you want,’ and gave her the pills. After taking them, she stripped off her clothes and got into bed, quickly falling into a deep, drug induced sleep. An hour or so later, the bowel treatment began to take effect but this sad lady remained in her deep slumber. You can imagine what happened next.
    The nurses were alerted a few hours later by loud screams and when they ran to see what was wrong, they were greeted by a wild-eyed woman wandering naked down the hall, covered from head to toe in her own faeces. Her bowels had completely emptied themselves into her bed and she had slept through the whole thing. She had