Free Plays Unpleasant by George Bernard Shaw Page B

you think so. [
He offers his hand. Trench, astonished, takes it
]. I think so myself. [
He presses Trench’s hand gratefully and releases it
]. And now, Dr Trench, since you have acted handsomely, you shall have no cause to complain of me. There shall be no difficulty about money: you shall entertain as much as you please: I will guarantee all that. But I must have a guarantee on my side that she will be received on equal terms by your family.
    TRENCH . Guarantee!
    SARTORIUS . Yes, a reasonable guarantee. I shall expect you to write to your relatives explaining your intention, and adding what you think proper as to my daughter’s fitness for the best society. When you can shew me a few letters from the principal members of your family, congratulating you in a fairly cordial way, I shall be satisfied. Can I say more?
    TRENCH [
much puzzled, but grateful
] No indeed. You are really very good. Many thanks. Since you wish it, I’ll write to my people. But I assure you youll find them as jolly as possible over it. I’ll make them write by return.
    SARTORIUS . Thank you. In the meantime, I must ask you not to regard the matter as settled.
    TRENCH . Oh! Not to regard the – I see. You mean between Blanche and –
    SARTORIUS . I mean between you and Miss Sartorius. When I interrupted your conversation here some time ago, you and she were evidently regarding it as settled. In case difficulties arise, and the match – you see I call it a match – is broken off, I should not wish Blanche to think that she had allowed a gentleman to – to – [
Trench nods sympathetically
] Quite so. May I depend on you to keep a fair distance, and so spare me the necessity of having to restrain an intercourse which promises to be very pleasant to us all?
    TRENCH . Certainly; since you prefer it. [
They shake hands on it
].
    SARTORIUS [
rising
] You will write today, I think you said?
    TRENCH [
eagerly
] I’ll write now, before I leave here: straight off.
    SARTORIUS . I will leave you to yourself then. [
He hesitates, the conversation having made him self-conscious and embarrassed; then recovers himself with an effort, and adds with dignity, as he turns to go
] I am pleased to have come to an understanding with you. [
He goes into the hotel; and Cokane, who has been hanging about inquisitively, emerges from the shrubbery
].
    TRENCH [
excitedly
] Billy, old chap: youre just in time to do me a favor. I want you to draft a letter for me to copy out.
    COKANE . I came with you on this tour as a friend, Trench: not as a secretary.
    TRENCH . Well, youll write as a friend. It’s to my Aunt Maria, about Blanche and me. To tell her, you know.
    COKANE . Tell her about Blanche and you! Tell her aboutyour conduct! Betray you, my friend; and forget that I am writing to a lady? Never!
    TRENCH . Bosh, Billy: dont pretend you dont understand. We’re engaged: engaged, my boy! what do you think of that? I must write by tonight’s post. You are the man to tell me what to say. Come, old chap [
coaxing him to sit down at one of the tables
]: heres a pencil. Have you a bit of – oh, here: thisll do: write it on the back of the map. [
He tears the map out of his Baedeker and spreads it face downwards on the table. Cokane takes the pencil and prepares to write
]. Thats right. Thanks awfully, old chap. Now fire away. [
Anxiously
] Be careful how you word it though, Cokane.
    COKANE [
putting down the pencil
] If you doubt my ability to express myself becomingly to Lady Roxdale –
    TRENCH [
propitiating him
] All right, old fellow, all right: theres not a man alive who could do it half so well as you. I only wanted to explain. You see, Sartorius has got it into his head, somehow, that my people will snub Blanche; and he wont consent unless they send letters and invitations and congratulations and the deuce knows what not. So just put it in such a way that Aunt Maria will write by return saying she is delighted, and