Free Regret List by Jessica Billings Page B

always found out. He hadn’t said
anything to me, but I could feel it just the same. We still
switched the notebook back and forth and earlier that day, I had
found the notebook in my locker. To my irritation, I hadn’t had a
chance to read it, what with all the dance preparations. Instead of
focusing on Jason, I found myself yearning to catch up on the story
and I hated myself for it.
    Look at him, I ordered myself. This is way
more important than any old story. This is your purpose. I
looked up at him, beaming, and he brushed back my hair.
    “My little magpie,” he said, pulling me closer. A
slow song came on and everyone decelerated around us, gently
rocking back and forth. I felt my heart beat faster. Was it normal
to feel so awkward, so clumsy around your date? Why did the other
girls do this, if they didn’t have to? I had always been so jealous
of those girls, walking hand-in-hand with a boy around town,
giggling at little inside jokes, acting so reluctant to part. Now
here I was, one of those girls and there were a thousand other
places I wanted to be.
    Forcing those thoughts out of my head, I fastened my
arms around Jason, slowly rocking in his arms. He draped himself
over me, head in my hair. I felt him kissing my neck, slowly
working his way up to my mouth. Tipping my chin up, I let him press
his lips to my mouth. This kiss was different than the one at the
bowling alley. Slower, more forceful. I pulled back, suddenly
feeling something pinging at my heart. Something felt off. Wrong.
“Where’d everyone go?” I asked. Strangers surrounded us and even
standing on my tiptoes, I couldn’t see over the tops of their
heads. The song changed and everyone began bouncing again, further
obscuring my view.
    “Don’t know,” Jason shrugged. “Probably off dancing.
You want to get a drink?”
    “Sure.” I let him forge a path through the crowd,
toward the tables lined with punch bowls. An older woman stood
watch nearby, arms crossed, probably guarding the bowls against
anyone who tried to spike them. I filled a plastic cup with some
punch and noticed Sammy and Kandice at the other end of the table.
“Where’s Grace?” I hollered at them, still feeling weirdly
anxious.
    Kandice glared at me. “Who cares,” she mouthed
back.
    They both looked angry and I noticed a distinct lack
of a particular two boys at their sides. Jason seemed to notice the
same thing and pulled me back into the crowd, making a face. “Let’s
catch up with them later,” he shouted in my ear. I nodded and
chugged down the punch, tossing the cup into the garbage. I still
felt a twinge at my heart, a sense that something was not right in
the world, but there was nothing I could do about it. Shrugging, I
immersed myself in the energy of the crowd, determined to have a
good time.
    I’ll spare you from the details. Yes, there was more
kissing and yes, we might have even been separated by one of the
chaperones and told off for too much making out. I didn’t exactly
enjoy it, but it was new and fascinating at the same time. And now
I’m sure you’re pointing back to the beginning of the book and
saying, “But Paige, you said you would tell me the truth of what
happened, even if it’s harder…or more awkward.” So yes, yes, we
kissed a lot and got in trouble. But even the chaperone had a smile
on her face when she chided us. Anyway, that’s not the important
part. The important part happened after the dance ended and we all
stood out in the parking lot, catching our breath and looking for
our rides.
    It was a clear night with a touch of frost in the air
and I shivered uncontrollably in my dress, desperately rubbing my
arms. “We have to find the others,” I managed through my chattering
teeth. Jason spotted Robert and Matt (minus their Sammy and Kandice
counterparts) across the parking lot and he waved at them as we
dodged in between the cars that slowly drove away from the
school.
    “Hey,” he called. “Where’s everyone