Free Planet Janet in Orbit by Dyan Sheldon Page A

walks in her sleep ( OF COURSE – how could I have failed to guess that?!!). After our nightly hootenanny, the Deadly Duo went to bed and the MC, the Eco Warrior and I settled down to play Scrabble (you can’t play games with Lucrezia because after about two seconds she gets pissed off and flings the board in the air). [Note to self: Just because a person worries about endangered species and how many trees are being chopped down in the Amazon doesn’t mean he can’t be V COMPETITIVE .] We were debating whether or not
bazooms
was a real word when Lucrezia suddenly marched down the stairs. I knew right away she was asleep because she wasn’t howling about anything. Apparently it’s v important not to wake a sleepwalker up suddenly (though no one in their right mind would wake Lucrezia whether she was walking or not – let her sleep, it’s the only time she isn’t making a scene). While Robert took Lucrezia back to bed and the MC made sure all the doors were locked, I took the opportunity to get some decent letters. I feel the least they owe me is winning one lousy game of Scrabble.

WEDNESDAY 29 AUGUST
    Woke up in the middle of the night to find Lucrezia Hotspur IN MY BED !!! Not only that but she had
all
the blankets and her foot was in my stomach. It’s a miracle I didn’t wake her up SUDDENLY by screaming with terror (which was only because I can’t believe that even a psychopath would find us out here – never mind come out in this rain). Robert said I should move the chest of drawers in front of my door from now on to keep her out. Personally I’m for leaving the front door not only unlocked but WIDE OPEN !
    THANK GOD this week is nearly over! It was another RED-LETTER DAY here at Camp Despair . Marcella informed me that my taste in clothes is v passé (she’s not even a teenager, for heaven’s sake – what does SHE know about style?), and Lucrezia attacked me!!! Really – as in went for me with a sharp instrument! All I said was that I don’t like Marmite and she threw a knife at me! I’ve seen her hit Buskin’ Bob (once with a hairbrush and once with a free-range egg!), but I never expected her to go for ME ! I said to the MC that they must have obedience schools for children – like the ones they have for dogs – and the Mad Cow said it’s not that Lucrezia’s badly behaved (!!!), it’s that she has a syndrome. I said she should give it back. The MC (or Josh, as she’s known here in Camp Despair ) said it wasn’t a joke, poor Lucrezia’s v ill. She’s on drugs. If you ask me, it’s a shame they don’t work.

THURSDAY 30 AUGUST
    Robert INSISTED that we go for a walk today (he bribed us with a pub lunch and all the crisps we could eat – no matter who made them!). We all got into our anoraks and wellies, etc., and then Lucrezia remembered that the rain was going to melt her and threw herself on the floor, screaming. It took Robert over an hour to convince her that the acid in the rain wasn’t going to turn her into a Slush Puppy (and who told her there’s acid in the rain to begin with, I wonder?!!), by which time the rest of us had taken off our anoraks and wellies and pretty much resigned ourselves to more brown rice for lunch. The pub turned out to be MILES away, and most of them were uphill and through mud. I was numb from the cold and the wet, of course, and muscles I’d forgotten I had were screaming in agony, but unlike the Deadly Duo I was too depressed to complain. All I could think of was Disha and Ethan in some warm, dry place, snogging and telling each other how wonderful they are. By the time we got to the pub they’d already stopped serving lunch! I reckon Robert knew he was about to have a mutiny on his hands because he bought whiskies for him and the MC and COKES for us. I said, “Listen! Can you hear that? It’s the sound of principles crashing to the ground!” Apparently no one thought I was funny. (I wish I’d asked Flynn or Marcus to come – they would’ve