Free Christmas Holiday Husband by Kris Pearson Page B

herself pregnant on purpose?”
    “I was careful. Always used condoms with her before we married. Always. But who knows?” He plucked at a blade of grass and spoke towards the river. “I hoped I might track you down when I came back, but Julia’s pregnancy put paid to that.”
    “No,” Ellie breathed, shaking her head in disbelief. The ache in her heart intensified. He’d remembered her? Still wanted her? And been stolen away by history repeating itself? It was tragic beyond anything she could imagine.
    Tony waved at the horse-fly threatening to land on his belly, then shot her an anguished glance. “You were special to me, Ellie. Out of the question all those years ago in Sydney, but special.” He reached across and ran a finger down the side of her face.
    Ellie’s breath hitched, and instinctively she turned her head and sank her teeth into his hand to stop its unnerving progress.
    “Stop,” she mumbled around his fingers. How she longed to lick his flesh, taste his skin, slide her tongue over him!
    Tony sighed and removed his hand. “Julia hated the farm as passionately as I loved it,” he said. “We did our best, but it wasn’t working...was never going to work. We travelled as much as we could, but we always had to come back here. And then they found the tumour.”
    He resumed pulling at the rough grass beside the rug. “I’ve been in limbo for the last three or four years. Stranded. Marking time. Wondering how the hell Julia and I could possibly settle things between us. I shouldn’t admit it, but her illness set me free. You’ve no idea the extra guilt that laid on me. It made things a hell of a lot worse, not better.”
    Ellie hardly heard him. She was still too aware of his touch on her face, and her own helpless reaction. Slowly his meaning sank in to her addled brain as he stared into space, silent for a while.
    So she hadn’t imagined the expression in his eyes the evening before? She’d thought he looked desolate. His normally warm brown eyes had been distant and cold.
    But maybe she’d been in limbo too? She’d kept herself frantically busy, bustling about and filling every minute of her days. Given time to her son, her mother, and her pupils. But none to herself. Or none that was kind and indulgent.
    With huge effort she’d achieved her goals of job and security, but had she found happiness or peace?
    Thinking like this is useless , she scolded herself. Her son, her job, her soon-to-be-finished house were quite enough. More than many single women gained. She’d worked for them with real determination and was proud of the way she’d managed to organise her life for Cal. She should be satisfied.
    So why the hell wasn’t she...quite...any longer?
    She drew a deep breath. “Tony, I have my life all arranged. I love my work. I’m really looking forward to moving into my own home. I’m pleased to be here at Wharemoana—this job is ideal for me. It’s somewhere to live for a while, too. But if we were to—” she hesitated, searching his face while she located the right description—“get together, it could only be temporary, until I went back to my real life.”
    His gaze fastened on hers. “You mean mutual pleasure, no strings?”
    Ellie nodded slowly, trying to gauge his reaction. “Yes, it would have to be like that.” Such a thought both relieved and appalled her. The prospect of once again becoming his lover was so tempting. But it had to be balanced against the certainty of being ripped away from him a second time. No amount of pleasure could make up for the pain that would follow.
    “No problem, Ellie. That’s fine.” He sounded coolly controlled...unaffected by such a businesslike arrangement.
    She looked away from his dark eyes, pretending to consider, knowing how difficult he’d be to resist.
    Once bitten, twice shy.
    If he’d found marriage such a disaster, for sure he wouldn’t want to tie himself down again, so that was one worry out of the way.
    The bigger