Free True Story by Ni-Ni Simone Page A

talk to.
    True.
    But what if?
    Don’t worry about if.
    Just do it.
    Here goes nothing.
    Before I changed my mind, I quickly went into the living room and dialed my mother’s number. She answered on the first ring. “Hey, baby girl!” She was way too excited. “You must’ve heard me talking about you to your stepfather and Cousin Shake.”
    â€œSaying what?”
    â€œWhat else? That you don’t call home enough.”
    I attempted a laugh and hopefully it didn’t sound as fake to her as it did to me.
    â€œAre you okay?” she asked.
    â€œYeah, Ma. I’m fine.”
    â€œSure?”
    â€œYeah.”
    â€œWell, Cousin Shake wants to speak to you.”
    I am sooo not in the mood for this dude. “No, Ma. Wait!”
    â€œHey, Fat Mama,” Cousin Shake said, calling me by my childhood nickname. “I know you been missin’ me, ’cause I’ve been missin’ you.”
    â€œAw, really?”
    â€œSho’ have. And I just told yo mama that we needed to call you and make sure that you weren’t somewhere gettin’ yo nasty girl on.”
    â€œCousin Shake!” I heard my mother say in the background. “Watch it.”
    â€œLet me go on in another room. ’Cause your mama acts like nobody can say a thang to you.”
    I rolled my eyes to the ceiling. I could hear him breathing heavy as he walked from one room to the other. “Now what was I saying? Oh yeah. I told your mama we need to make sure you’re not being all greasy down in the bayou. ’Cause Lawd knows, had Minnie checked up on lil Bootsy, she wouldn’t be around here babysittin’. And she knows I don’t even like kids. ’Specially when they’re interfering with me and my wife gettin’ our ron-day-vu-vu on.”
    â€œWhat is that? You mean rendezvous?”
    â€œThat’s what I said. Gettin’ our ronday-vu-vu on. I’m only sixty-four years old, and in the middle of the night, I like to get my roll on.”
    Ew. “Cousin Shake, that’s gross. Now can you put my mother back on the phone?”
    â€œDon’t be rushing me. I told you I missed you. And I ain’t talked to you in a minute. But see, I ain’t like your mama. She’s around here with her feelings all hurt ’cause y’all don’t talk much. But I’ma make you talk to me, Fat Mama.”
    Oh no!
    Cousin Shake carried on. “Now let me tell you ’bout your sisters and brothers. Lawd, your mama got all these chil’ren round here. Well, your twin sister, Toi, she runnin’ round here half crazy. Done changed her major to premed. Scared da hell outta me! I wouldn’t let that hoochie check me for a fever and now she wants to diagnose somebody? Oh, nawl. Anybody who had a baby at sixteen, I don’t trust ’em.”
    Jesus must hate me.
    Cousin Shake went on, “And your lil nephew, Noah. My Gawd. He runnin’ round here like a lil hood rat. I’m waitin’ for him to try and rob me at bottle-point any day now. Anybody that’s two years old with five teeth, I don’t trust ’em.”
    â€œHe’s just a baby, Cousin Shake.”
    â€œYeah, that’s the same thing your mama said, but that don’t mean a thang to me. Now your little brother, Malik. He’s about the most respectful one around here. Only thang is, he eats up everythang in sight. The other night I thought I was gonna have to handle him for the way he was watchin’ my pork chop.”
    â€œCousin Shake, can I please speak to my mother?”
    â€œOh, you just gon’ cut me off and be all rude.”
    â€œI wasn’t trying to be rude.”
    â€œGood. Now let me tell you about your sister, Gem. I’m waitin’ for her to get sexed into a gang any day now. And your other brother, Man-Man, the fake playa, I told your mama that the way he stays in that bathroom, I swear he’s washing off