Free Notes From the Hard Shoulder by James May Page A

the BBC Children in Need office is about four feet high. The reason his face and ears have been slightly remodelled is because I became bored and consequently drunk at a BBC party.
    But now I have discovered – and about 30 years late, as with most things in my life –Lego Technic. It's not really like normal Lego at all; more a sophisticated plastic Meccano, with myriad connectors, beams, shafts, gears, motors, wheels, springs and so on. It all clips together, avoiding the misery of sore fingers from endless nut-and-bolt work.
    On my desk I have my completed Lego Technic Ferrari, all 18.5 inches and 719 components of it. The box declares that it is suitable for anyone over the age of eight, which I am.
    The beauty of it is this: where normal Lego failed to allow me complete self-expression where the shape of cars was concerned, Lego Technic allows me complete liberty to build the guts of them. This is much more interesting, in my opinion, since styling is essentially about fashion, but the stuff inside is engineering. Spaceframes or chassis can be made in almost infinite variety. There are wishbones and suspension parts,

stub axles and a steering rack. There is a V10 engine whose tiny crankshaft and pistons can be viewed moving through transparent cylinders, and as these cylinder units are genuinely modular and the crank is a built-up item, the motor can be rebuilt in other configurations.
    There is even a differential: not a representation of one, but aminiature working version of the real thing that must be assembled. It's brilliant and genuinely educational, since a differential is impossible to explain to, and even harder to draw for, anyone who asks how one works. Here it is, in plastic. I've heard amateur child psychologists and enthusiasts of'creative play' claim that all this is too much for young people, but I disagree. Children are brilliant at this sort of thing. It's why Victorian Britain prospered – we put them in factories.
    Being spiritually not much more than eight, I've started dismantling the Ferrari in the belief that I can improve it. Being in reality more like 43 and with fading eyesight, I probably can't. But maybe somebody with a satchel somewhere can.
    We know that the engineers Moulton and Issigonis tinkered endlessly with Meccano in designing a certain revolutionary small car. Lego Technic is not ultimately quite as versatile as Frank Hornby's famous constructional toy, but it's not far off and much more finger-friendly than the old metal stuff.
    And that's why you should buy Lego Technic for your kids. Somewhere in this pile of plastic parts is the next Mini.
    THIS IS PERSONAL
    Sally-Ann Naylor, assuming that's your real name, you look like a nice gal, with your summery floral skirt and your big cuddly jummy with the floppy collar, and that explosive smile with the perfect teeth at its epicentre. I like you already.
    But have you really paid £499 for thenumber plate SN05 SAN, just because it features your initials? Who's going to know? You'd have to be buying £500-worth of ammunition for a known gun psychopath before that looked like a sensible purchase. You S1 LLY B1 TCH.
    And look,Robbie Paul Arnott: you might otherwise be a good bloke to take to the pub. I admire your flagrant disregard for the conventions of smart dress and your comedy haircut. But since you've spent £499 on RA05 RPA, I've decided that you're a bit of a SAD 61T.
    Elsewhere, I've seen an advert from theDVLA showing a man in a mud-caked stripey shirt clutching the registration plate RU04 GBY. I hope people pull up next to him at traffic lights and say, 'Hey, I bet you play ruohfourgby.' Daft BUG 63R.
    Thanks to the selfless efforts of my ancestors, I am not a number. I am a free man. Yet these days it seems you're nobody unless you're someone on your number plate. If only my parents had been blessed with the foresight to have me christened JAM 3S.
    Getting hold of a personalised registration number used to be a complicated