Free Letting Ana Go by Anonymous Page B

Jack’s hands. I reached up and touched his face, and he moaned softly as his hand found the soft bare skin of my stomach, and he moved his face there, planting tender kisses just above the waist of my shorts, my fingers tangled in his hair.
    Right at that second, we heard Jill and Rob laughing on thestairs. Jack moved back up for a quick kiss on the forehead and whispered one word in my ear:
    Damn.
    He looked at me with the sweetest smile, his eyes on fire, his cheeks flushed. I winked at him and whispered:
    To be continued.
    Rob had brought up another half-full bottle of white wine, and we all lay on the cushions laughing and talking and staring at the stars. We must’ve drifted off to sleep because at some point, Jill was shaking my shoulder and whispering that we had to get back downstairs before her mom got up. The light was gray and purple over the cliffs as I slipped out from underneath Jack’s arm and tiptoed back belowdecks to the room I shared with Jill. She fell asleep as soon as we were between the sheets, but I couldn’t think about anything but writing all of this down. I have to try to organize what is going on in my head, and inside my heart. I’ve never kissed a boy like that before. Mom is always saying I have to keep my head on my shoulders and keep boys’ hands off to the side. I guess I’ve always been afraid of not knowing what would happen if a guy actually did touch me like that.
    There’s something about Jack—something I can see in his eyes, and hear in his voice, and feel in his touch—that I know will never hurt me. I wasn’t afraid of having him touch me,only that I wouldn’t be good enough somehow, and after what happened last night, I’m pretty sure that isn’t an issue.
    Jill is lying here snoring a little bit and drooling on her pillow a lot, and I’m scribbling in this food diary like a crazy person. I can’t even think about closing my eyes. I have this floaty feeling just beneath my chin—almost like a bubble of pure happiness and excitement, mixed with that feeling when you go over the first drop of a roller coaster. I’m not sure I’d call it love. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before. That word seems so . . . serious. Maybe this is what Jill means when she says she’s in lust with Rob, but I feel like this isn’t just about Jack having a hot body, or being turned on by him. I think this feeling is probably a crush. It’s been growing inside of me since that day at the pool when I first saw Jack as something different from my best friend’s brother. It’s a feeling that’s grown a lot during this week on the boat. It’s a feeling I think could grow into love.
    I just heard Jill’s mom start coffee in the kitchen. We’re headed back to the marina this morning. The boat has to be returned by noon, and then we are driving back home this afternoon.
    Ugh. Home.
    I’ve barely thought about Mom and Dad and that whole situation since I got here. It makes my stomach hurt. I wonder ifMom is still crying a lot. You know what? I’m not going to start thinking about it now. I’ve got one last whole day with Jack, and I’m not going to let myself waste it worrying about how my mom feels.
    I’m also not going to let Rob sit next to Jack on the way home.

Sunday, June 24
    Weight: 126
    Two things were waiting for me when I arrived at home.
    1. A shiny new hybrid SUV from my father with more luxury options than I have ever seen on one automobile in my entire life.
    2. A shiny-headed, nearly comatose mother, asleep on the couch. I don’t think she washed her hair the entire time I was away. She barely moved when I came in the door except when I asked her where the SUV came from.
    Mom: Your father.
    Me: Why?
    Mom (pointing): Note on the counter.
    I found a card on the counter, next to a key fob that looked like it might power a spaceship or hold the digital data of a blueprint for the colonization of Mars. In my father’s square script were the words:
    Want