Free Tell Me No Secrets by Julie Corbin Page B

She’s not the first. Why do people think they know me better than I know myself?
    I stare her down and at last she looks away, lifts her glass of water to her mouth. Her hand is shaking and she tries to steady it with the other one. ‘I won’t pretend I’m not surprised,’ she says quietly.
    â€˜I’m sure.’
    She lets out a breath. ‘Paul Adams?’
    I don’t respond.
    â€˜Grace?’
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜The same Paul Adams?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜Rose’s dad?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜I don’t know what to say.’ She sits back and pulls at her hair. ‘I just don’t know what to say.’
    â€˜You think he’s a poor choice. Why? Because of what happened to Rose? We fell in love. We got married. We have the girls. I love him – still. That’s it.’ I fold my napkin into a tidy square on my lap. ‘Now drop it, please.’
    â€˜You’re happy?’
    â€˜Yes. I am.’
    She smiles at me. ‘Then I’m glad,’ she says. ‘I am, really. You deserve to be happy. We all do.’
    I can’t believe she means it. I wait for her to throw something else my way but it doesn’t come. We finish our desserts and I sit back and rub my stomach. ‘Good food.’
    She gives me a watery smile.
    â€˜Are you staying with your mum?’
    â€˜No. At a convent in the Borders.’
    â€˜A convent? A Catholic convent? With nuns ?’
    â€˜Yes.’
    â€˜Never!’ I laugh.
    â€˜You’re surprised?’
    â€˜Well . . . yes. I seem to remember your mother couldn’t get you to church for love nor money. By age twelve, you were calling yourself an atheist, weren’t you?’
    â€˜Mmm, I was. But I’ve changed. I’m joining the order as a novice. I want to become a nun.’
    â€˜Great . . . good.’ I shrug. ‘Whatever presses your buttons.’ I smile like I mean it. I realise I do mean it. It seems completely out of character but I want to wish her well. ‘Surprising but good.’
    â€˜More surprising than you marrying Paul Adams?’
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜You expect me to say nothing? You drop a bombshell like that and I’m supposed just to smile and congratulate you?’ Her voice grows harsh. ‘Paul Adams? What the fuck possessed you? Rose’s father? You married Rose’s father? ’
    I sit back in my seat and fold my arms. ‘Interesting language for a would-be nun,’ I say quietly. ‘But then I have been wondering when the old Orla was going to make an appearance.’
    â€˜Well? I’ve found God, not so unusual for someone our age. While you . . .?’
    â€˜You know very little about the grown-up me, Orla, as I know very little about you.’ I feel tired suddenly. I push my hair back and force myself to sit up straight. ‘So how about we just stop the pretending and you tell me exactly why you got in touch.’
    â€˜Okay.’ She takes a breath, pushes her water glass to one side and leans elbows and forearms on the table. ‘You’re not going to like it but I want you to remember that I bear you no malice.’
    â€˜Just spit it out.’
    â€˜I need to put my wrongs to right. And I need to make peace with those people I hurt.’
    Ice starts in my fingertips and freezes a path beneath my skin, travelling inwards until I shiver. ‘What exactly are you saying?’
    â€˜I’ve made my confession to the priest. Now I need to confess to the people who were affected by my actions.’ Her tone is light as candyfloss. ‘What happened to Rose: it was cruel. What we did was wrong and then we compounded it by lying to ourselves and to the police.’
    â€˜You’re telling me ?’ I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. ‘Since when are you entitled to take the moral high ground?’
    â€˜Don’t be angry,