Free Wake The Stone Man by Carol McDougall Page B

The other cop grabbed my arms and I thought he was going to push me down onto the floor. I kept screaming and he let go of my arms, and then I saw a neighbour running across the street towards me.
    After that there are just bits and pieces. A face, a few words. Anna’s mom holding me. The house full of people. Casseroles. Piles of casseroles and squares in Pyrex dishes on the kitchen counter.
    That’s what my family did when someone died. Made squares. I used to call Nanaimo bars Dead Squares ’cause you’d always get them at a funeral. There were lots of Dead Squares in my kitchen and strange women and relatives I didn’t know and strange cars in the driveway.
    Nobody talked to me, which was good.
    But they talked about me, which wasn’t good.
    Everyone was gathered in the kitchen so I went into the living room to get away. The tree was still up. The goddamn Christmas tree still standing there all glittery and pretty. There were presents under the tree. I knelt down and picked up the one I’d wrapped for Mom — a bracelet with her birthstone. I put it down beside Dad’s present — a bunch of boating magazines. Behind the tree was a large box with my name on it. From Santa. I opened it, and inside was a Nikon camera, zoom lens and camera bag. A Nikon. I curled over the box sobbing, and after awhile I could feel someone behind me holding me.
    The day of the funeral Anna’s mom helped me get dressed. I forgot how to get dressed. Eighteen years old and I sat at the end of the bed holding my bra in my hands and I couldn’t remember how to put it on. So Anna’s mom sat beside me on the bed and handed me stuff.
    The coffins at the front of the church were closed. Someone had put photos on top of them. One of my mom when she worked for the Red Cross during the war; she was wearing her uniform and she looked really tough and really beautiful. The photo on my dad’s coffin was of him standing beside his racing boat. He was hoisting a trophy over his head and had a big silly grin on his face. With his curly hair he still looked like a kid.
    There was another one of them together in a canoe. Dad was at the back paddling and Mom was leaning back on him, and her hair was falling over his legs. They looked young and happy.
    I looked down at my feet and saw two black shoes and I wondered where they had come from and when I’d put them on. Maybe I didn’t put them on. Maybe those weren’t my feet.
    People were praying and singing hymns but I felt like I was floating under water. The minister stood at the front with his mouth opening and shutting like a fish but I couldn’t hear any words. People stood up and sat down but I sat staring straight ahead. Then eight men went to the front of the church. I recognized a couple of uncles and the rest were guys my dad worked with I think.
    They stood around the two coffins and grabbed the brass bars along the sides, and when the organ began to play “Abide with Me” they carried the coffins down the middle aisle. The people around me started to cry, and that scared me. I didn’t know what to do. Someone was making moaning sounds like an animal caught in a trap. I started to shake and realized the moaning sounds were coming from me. I couldn’t stand up. Everyone was standing up but I just folded up and turned my head away so I couldn’t see the coffins being carried out.
    Someone put an arm around me. It was Anna. She said “Stand up Molly.” I stood up. She put one arm around my waist and balanced herself on her cane. When I got out into the aisle behind the coffins I felt my legs wobble and another arm held me. Anna’s mom on the other side. I let them carry me out of the church.
    Outside snow was falling. It fell softly on the steeple of the church and on the two oak coffins being carried down the stairs. Snow fell silently on the roofs of the two black hearses and muted the sound of traffic in