Free Letters to Brendan by Ashley Bloom Page A

have something to draw on in lonely hours. Just like the thought of us sometimes puts a little smile on my face…There is one thing left that I have to say bef ore I finish here.
    I`m sorry. I`m so terribly sorry.
    Rosaly
     
    November 8, 2010
    Dear Brendan
    Three months have passed s ince my last letter and I haven` t heard from you yet.
    I figured you wouldn` t write me back, ` cause I just hurt you too bad, then, when I said good bye to you. I can fully understand that you want nothing to do with me anymore. But I just had another thought too. And that is why I` m writing you one more time.
    I hope so much that I didn` t caus e you any trouble. That you don` t have a jealous wife who found my letter and is really mad now. If it is so, or anything like that, I want to apologize for it. I surely didn` t intend that.
    I have thought a lot about so many things since my last letter. And I still can` t decide whether it was a big mistake to write to you or the best thing I could have done. Because it has done something to me. I` m happier again, I am – even jus t a little bit – more the girl I used to be. 
    A couple of days after I send you that letter, I walked int o a bookstore and bought   ̋On t he Road  ̋ and   ̋Lonesome Traveler   ̋ by Jack Kerouac. I can` t even describe what reading the se books releases in me. It`s like hearing you speaking. It` s like listening to your passionate words . Y ou both are so unbelievably freedom-loving, and you live your life so consciously . I t ` s beautiful to have found a part of you in him.
    Also, it feels really good to do something just for myself again. I have to hide the books, because Vince, that is my husband, doesn`t want me “wasting” my time reading. There` s enough to do in the household and raising the kids is my job too, of course. But after everyone has left the house in the morning I get out my books and I am in another world again.
    Oh, how much I wish someone would come and make everything alright again.
Yeah, I know I can` t expect that somebody comes along and gets me out of her e. It` s my decision. I could pack my bags today and walk out, leave everything behind. But it` s just not as simple as that. Vince says he will take the girls away from m e, should I ever try to leave. He sees I`m unhappy. He doesn` t care at all.
    He insists that he loves me and just wants the best for me and the children. But he thinks that he alone knows what is best fo r us. Whenever he beats me up ` cause he wants to keep me away from “ mischief ” , and the girls see me with a black eye and a bu r sted lip the next morning at the kitchen table, he still thinks he has acted right. These things are no rare incidents, you should know. It happens every time that I say one word too much to t he post man, or if I smile a s econd too long at the cashier in the supermarket.  Or if I put the kids down to bed five minutes after bed time. It` s always my fault. He always finds a reason to be upset with me. I guess, as the years have passed, he began to really enjoy it. And he made his top priority finding mistakes in me.
    I tried to talk abou t it with my mom. After all , she`s lived with a man who` s never satisfied for forty years. She said I should be brave, it is my job as a loving wife to stand by my man, in good times as in bad times. I tried to tell he r that there were only bad times left. At that she advised me to just try a little harder. I` ve never mentioned a word again.
    Sometim es I blame her for m y dilemma, ` cause it was her after all who introduced me to Vince twelve years ago.
    It` s twelve years ago already. And I think I haven` t laughed since then, let alone felt like in heaven. The way I always felt when you were near. I wish I could turn back time and correct that big mistake that changed everything . I wish I could hold you in my arms again and everything would be alright. Sometimes I imagine what would have been, had I married you instead of Vince.