Free Between the Stars and Sky by David James Page B

That’s how I want to live. Like every single moment could kill you, could make you or break you, and at the very last second you decide if you stay or if you go.”
    She’s crazy.
    Clearly.
    But as my heart slows and I can breathe again, I begin to feel how tightly she is holding my hand. Maybe she wants that kind of life, the kind that almost kills you, but I don’t think she can do it alone.
    I think she needs someone to stay for.
    And I want that person to be me.
    Because I lied before, to myself. I didn’t know Sarah then, when we were kids and summer was nothing more than a break between seasons. I didn’t. People change, and I am just beginning to understand why. They grow and bend and break and grow again, until they’re nothing like they were years ago. Until they’re more than that. More than you ever thought they could be.
    Before and after , stay or go.
    Sometimes people are in the wrong place-
    at the wrong time-
    until they’re not.
     
    *   *   *
     
    Sarah blinks. “The journal won’t hurt you.”
    “I know.” I am shaking.
    “Then why aren’t you picking it up.”
    “I can’t,” I say.
    I won’t.
    She doesn’t ask why.
    She knows.
    I know.
    This tiny journal is everything my mother was, every little secret she never wanted me to know, and maybe some she did. And suddenly, I realize this: I can’t face my mother now. I don’t want her to see me like this. Like I can’t face her, like I don’t want to.
    And I don’t know why.
    Instead, I cling to Sarah like she is my heart, my lungs, my soul. I push my body against hers, pulling her closer and closer until there is nothing between us but clothes.
    And then-
    I stop.
    “No,” I tell her.
    “Not like this. Not yet.”
    She nods. Smiles. Says, “Okay.”
     

Chapter Thirteen
     
    IT BEGINS LIKE THIS: Dreams fade to a slowly building darkness that holds the melody of the day. White noise, a chaotic symphony of crickets and birds, and then waves crashing against rocks in the distance before pulling back out to the lake. But before the waves wake me, I hold on to my dreams a bit longer.
     
    There is silence before I am aware of us breathing together, one. Then not together at all, but rushed and separate and hurried. And back again.
    With her, I don’t feel between.
    In this moment, I am outside of everything.
    I am here.
    I am nowhere.
    “Sarah,” I whisper.
    She says my name like a prayer, like it is a fragile thing giving her life. And it shatters my heart and puts it back together in one breath.
    I want to give her a reason to love.
    I want to give her everything.
    All of me; I want to be the reason, all of it.
    I want to, and so I do.
     
    My eyes blink open and the world is gold; Sarah’s hair is bright and shining from the morning sun, her skin tan and shimmering. Her lips, though, are red, and looking at them makes me bite my own in memory.
    But I do not move.
    This is not a dream.
    This is real.
    And even though we are both covered in blankets, nothing but innocence between us, I don’t want to wake her. Not yet. Not when dreams and reality are still mixing together.
    Instead, I smile and sink into the warmth of this brave new day, feeling more naked than I am. My heart is shattered, in pieces everywhere I look, all wrapped around her body keeping her safe.
    My soul is alive.
    And this is so, so real.
    Her eyes open, slowly. And a shy smile spreads across her face like dawn rising from the lake.
    “You stayed the night,” I say, grinning.
    “I guess I did.”
    A blush touches her cheeks, and she presses her head harder against the pillow so it rises around her like a cloud. Her hair is wild, and it makes me think of the sun against sky. She grins, half a smile, and asks, “What are you thinking?”
    “Thinking about you,” I say.
    Her smile consumes me. “What about me?”
    “You talk in your sleep.”
    She pokes my chest. “I do not!”
    “Do too,” I laugh and reach to put my hand against her face. “And