Free Super Schnoz and the Booger Blaster Breakdown by Gary Urey Page B

back to our private room.
    â€œGive me one good reason why I shouldn’t crush you like an insecte right now!” Pierre barked in my face.
    â€œBecause of this,” I said, and then laid the poop wrapped in paper towels on the table.
    â€œYou filthy pig!” Pierre roared. “Get this excrément away from me!”
    Arnaud attempted to grab the camel caca from the table, but I stopped him. “Don’t touch it!” I hollered. “This is Bactrian camel dung. It’s the secret of Strange! Jean Paul Puanteur uses it to make the subtle, vanilla-like scent that drives people crazy. But in a good way!”
    â€œYou have insulted Monsieur du Voleur for the last time,” Arnaud said. “You will pay a heavy price for—”
    Pierre raised his hand, cutting Arnaud off in mid-sentence. “Let le Nez speak. I want to hear more.”
    I told him everything. Running to the Central Park Zoo after I couldn’t figure out the smell, illegally entering the camel enclosure, and finally figuring out that the Bactrian camel’s backdoor bricks were the elusive last ingredient that made Strange the world’s greatest perfume.
    â€œI am confused,” Pierre said, scratching his head. “How does Jean Paul turn common chameau merde into a powerful ingredient that smells like vanilla?”
    â€œWhat’s chameau merde?” I asked.
    â€œCamel droppings,” Arnaud answered.
    â€œThe main chemical compounds of camel poop are carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen, oxygen, phosphorous, and various other minerals,” I explained. “Jean Paul must use a machine of some kind to separate the different chemicals.”
    â€œHe most certainly uses a centrifugal separator,” Pierre added.
    I nodded. “You would know better than me. Anyway, he splits up the chemicals and then processes their different aromas at a very high heat with lots of pressure. What he ends up with is a natural, pleasing, and spectacular vanilla-like fragrance. The man’s a genius. He actually created a brand-new smell!”
    Pierre held his hands over his face in disbelief. “I should have known! Human beings have used various forms of merde to make fragrances for centuries. It was common from Roman times all the way to Napoléon III.”
    â€œJean Paul claims he uses only natural ingredients for his fragrances,” I said. “You can’t get much more natural than good old-fashioned poop. I read a sign at the zoo that says the wild Bactrian camel is only found in Mongolia.”
    â€œThis will be bigger than the fortune you made off of the Venezuelan bloated toad,” Arnaud said. “I will call your private jet and put them on standby. We can assemble our men and fly to Mongolia immediately.”
    I was just about to ask what a toad had to do with anything when a Boathouse server entered the room. He carried a platter of food with one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.
    â€œJust in time,” I said. “I’m starving!”
    I reached to grab a hunk of cheese and Pierre slapped my hand.
    â€œGet away from my déjeuner!” he snapped. “Your work with me is fini, ended, over. Leave immediately.”
    â€œWhen will I get my million dollars?”
    Arnaud laughed. “I don’t remember you signing a contract for anything.”
    â€œBut you told me I couldn’t sign the contract until I figured out all the ingredients in Strange. Well, I figured it out, and now I’m ready to sign. I want to be a nez professionnel!”
    â€œYou will never be a nez professionnel, and you will not receive payment,” Pierre said coldly. “I told you to get out!”
    I couldn’t believe this was happening. A camel had nearly killed me and the cops had almost arrested me—all to get Pierre the secret ingredient. Now he was trying to cheat me out of my money!
    â€œNot until you pay me!” I yelled.
    â€œCall the