Free Charlie and the War Against the Grannies by Alan Brough Page A

tunnel we travel.’
    â€˜We haven’t heard ANY scratching noises. What sort of secret tunnel doesn’t have ANY scratching noises? When we went on that class trip to that completely normal tunnel it had scratching noises. Secret tunnels should definitely have them.’
    â€˜We haven’t heard any noises at all,’ said Hils. ‘Not even a blood-curdling scream.’
    â€˜A blood-curdling scream that seems to be coming from all around us,’ I said.
    â€˜So we have no way of knowing which way we should run to escape it.’
    â€˜Exactly,’ I said.
    â€˜We haven’t stepped in a pool of blood,’ said Hils.
    â€˜We haven’t stepped in a pool of anything.’
    â€˜Not quicksand,’ said Hils. ‘Or acid.’
    â€˜We haven’t felt something drip on our heads,’ I said, ‘only to look up and realise that it’s blood. Fresh blood.’
    â€˜We haven’t encountered an old man with a really long beard chained to the wall of the tunnel,’ said Hils.
    â€˜A really, very, super old man who, with his dying breath, says something really, very, super cryptic that we don’t understand.’
    â€˜That we don’t understand until much, much later,’ said Hils.
    â€˜When we realise how important the cryptic thing the old bearded guy said was to our really, very, super important secret-tunnel-based quest.’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜We haven’t even come to a place where the tunnel splits in two and we have to make a decision about which way to go,’ I said. ‘We’d probably have an argument about which way to go and we’d split up and go in opposite directions.’
    â€˜Negative. It wouldn’t be an argument. I would make a sensible suggestion based on strong intelligence and experience and you would ignore it.’
    Normal boring vs secret boring
    A boring secret tunnel is much more boring than a normal, un-secret place. You expect a normal place to be boring. You don’t expect a secret place to be boring. So when a secret place is boring it’s much more boring than when a normal place is boring.
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    â€˜I wouldn’t ignore it. It might just be that I wouldn’t think it was the right suggestion.’
    â€˜It would be the right suggestion,’ said Hils. ‘You’re not always right.’
    â€˜When am I not always right?’
    â€˜All the time,’ I said.
    â€˜Name one of the all-the-times when I was not-right.’
    â€˜I can’t,’ I said.
    â€˜Why not?’
    â€˜There have been too many. I can’t remember any one in particular,’ I said.
    â€˜If this boring secret tunnel split into two and we had to decide which path to take I would take the right way and you would take your way.’
    â€˜My way might be the right way.’
    â€˜That is statistically improbable,’ said Hils.
    â€˜I’d probably end up picking the way where there was a booby trap,’ I said.
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜A booby trap involving a large rock which rolled out of a secret door in the roof.’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜Crushing my leg.’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜I’d be racked with terrible pain.’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜I’d call out for you to help me.’
    â€˜I wouldn’t hear you because the geological make-up of this secret tunnel would mean that sound doesn’t carry further than a few metres,’ said Hils.
    â€˜I wouldn’t know that.’
    â€˜Affirmative.’
    â€˜Eventually I’d realise you were never going to come.’
    â€˜You’d close your eyes,’ said Hils.
    â€˜And wait to die.’
    â€˜Slowly and painfully,’ said Hils.
    â€˜Of course,’ I said.
    â€˜You should have listened to me,’ said Hils. ‘You might still be alive.’
    â€˜True,’ I said.
    â€˜I’ll miss you,’ said