Free Maybe I Will by Laurie Gray Page B

take a drink.
I looked at Dad who was still talking to Mr. Washington.
Take a quick drink. No one will notice.
I looked at Shanikawho was stepping right into the line of fire between two sparring men.
Don’t take a drink. Wait until after class.
Only right after this black belt class was the class I would be attending.
Just a little drink now and a real drink after class.
So I took a quick little drink, and no one seemed to notice.
    At the end of the black belt class, everyone bowed to Shanika, and a cheerful chorus rang out, “Ma’am! I shall live with perseverance in the spirit of taekwondo, having honor with others, integrity for myself, and self-control in my actions, Ma’am!”
Honor. Integrity. Self-control. All the things I took for granted. Everything I’ve lost.
I sucked in a deep breath and followed a line of students wearing white, orange and yellow belts onto the mat for my first taekwondo class.

13
    Like a dull actor now
I have forgot my part and I am out
Even to a full disgrace.
    â€”Coriolanus
, Act V, Scene iii, Lines 40-42
    I WAS A little worried about how to manage my schedule during the camp and make it to the store to pick up a bottle when I needed it. So I decided to stock up over the weekend. I even managed to walk out with two bottles from the same store in a single visit. A huge burden lifted as I lined up my three bottles of vodka in my closet that Sunday night.
    Once I was sure my parents were in bed, I poured a glass of vodka and pulled out my World History assignment sheet.
What is character? What is integrity?
I stared at the paper and tried to think. I pictured myself at the do-jahng with my white belt.
Honor. Integrity. Self-control. Right.
    My thoughts kept taking me back to that one minute that absolutely destroyed everything inside me. How could my whole world change in a moment and without anyone else knowing? At some level I knew that Aaron’s actions defined him, not me, but it didn’tchange how totally broken I felt inside. I took another drink and started doodling in my notebook. Doodling and scribbling and drinking. This was getting me nowhere.
    I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I stared at myself in the mirror for a really long time. My pupils were dilated, and my eyes had a cloudy look to them. I tried to look deeper, but it was no use. My eyes were nothing but black holes . . . little windows to the interminable darkness inside me. I went back to my room and took another drink.
    Then I started scratching out a poem of sorts about character. I worked it and reworked it until I felt totally spent and the mess of scribbles was nearly unintelligible. So I recopied it on a clean page:
    My Character
    Every day I face frustration
Confusing discontent
But it doesn’t seem to matter
All the wasted time I’ve spent
    Pretending to be someone
When I know it’s just a game
Changing scenes and changing roles
But still it’s all the same
    I’ve read the script before
A play is all that life will be
Unless I find the character
I know is really me
    Enough.
I lay down on my bed and fell asleep.
    I began the rank advancement camp with a sense of adventure. Kids of all ages lined up in descending order according to belt colors. As the newest white belt at the school, I was always last in the line. I recognized a few faces, but Shanika was the only one I really knew. She always lined up with the instructors, facing the students.
    One of the orange belts was a guy from my class at school named Hector Quintana. I faintly remembered his being a wrestler in middle school, and that made me a little uneasy somehow. But by the end of the first day, it was obvious he was nothing at all like Aaron, and I stopped feeling so jittery around him.
    Overall, taekwondo really seemed to calm my mind. By concentrating on each movement in the form and executing each step with physical precision, I felt the tension in every cell of my body begin