Free Is This What I Want? by Patricia Mann Page A

place.
    “I know. But the university lab school had a last minute opening and it’s so hard to get in there. I never thought we’d get called from the waiting list. And he’ll be two in just three months.”
    “So you only found out yesterday and they said if you didn’t bring him today you’d lose the spot?”
    I nodded as I covered my mouth and looked away from her, blinking back the fresh liquid welling up.
    She was silent, understanding.
    My mind went back to the harrowing moment just a half hour earlier. Jack’s face twisted in pain as I explained that I had to leave and would be back for him in just four hours.
    “No, Mama, no! No leave me here, Mama!”
    “Jack, you’re going to have so much fun. You’ll meet new friends and get to play with all these fun toys.”
    I picked up a plastic apple from the play kitchen a few feet away and attempted to hand it to him. He swatted it away.
    “And look over there, look at all the costumes. I bet you would have fun trying some of those on.”
    “No! No! Let’s go home, Mama. Home! Please! No leave me here!” That’s when his waterworks started, along with wailing and moaning.
    I started to second-guess my decision, which had kept me awake all night. I considered taking him home and trying again in six months. But this was an award-winning school. We’d never have another chance to get back in. How could I give up this opportunity?
    Crouching down to his level, I took Jack into my arms. He held on to me as if he would be torn apart by wolves if he let go. That’s when I first felt my eyes become wet. I talked myself out of crying as I kissed his cheeks and patted the fluffy blond curls all over his head.
    Mrs. Mary, a sweet older woman with a short gray bob and light blue eyes that looked cartoonishly large because of her thick round glasses, walked toward us with a big grin on her face. Clearly this was a regular occurrence for her, one that caused minimal dismay, despite the fact that Jack and I were experiencing heart-wrenching torture. She stood right in front of us and smiled even bigger as she spoke.
    “Okay, Mrs. Thomas, we know you have to go now. Don’t worry about a thing. Jack is going to have so much fun today! Come on, Jack, do you want to meet Harold, our class hamster?”
    Jack pulled back from me and looked into my eyes, his angry face drenched. He shook his head back and forth, refusing to even acknowledge her.
    She bent down and stroked Jack’s back. He grabbed onto me again and buried his face in my neck. I searched her face for some sign of what to do. Her smile disappeared, replaced with a look of determination as she mouthed the words, “You have to go.”
    My lip quivered. I knew she was right. It wouldn’t matter if we tried again in six months or a year. We had to go through this sometime and today was as good a day as any.
    Feeling like the most heartless human being who ever walked the earth, I peeled Jack’s arms off of me. He tried to reattach himself but his twenty-one-month-old strength was no match for mine or Mrs. Mary’s, who took his hand and gently pulled him away from me.
    “No! No! No!” he screamed as I backed away.
    I thought my chest would explode as I said with what he must have known was fake confidence, “Have a great day, honey, you’ll be fine. I love you!”
    The look of betrayal on Jack’s face as I walked out the door was something I’d never forget. I knew this for certain because the image of Sam’s face on his first day of preschool was permanently etched in my mind, despite the fact that he had long forgotten the memory himself.
    “So it’s only twelve hours a week, right?” I forced myself to come back to my mother, grateful for her attempt to help me realize this was not a tragedy.
    I nodded slowly and wiped the corners of my eyes with a paper napkin.
    “Yeah, I know. It’s just twelve hours a week. And the odd days and times they gave us actually work well. Tuesday, Wednesday, and