Free The Reginald Perrin Omnibus by David Nobbs Page A

Reggie.
    ‘Awkward wallahs, warts,’ said Jimmy. ‘Get one, before you can say “Jack Robinson”, covered in the blighters.’
    ‘Then someone recommended this stuff,’ said Reggie. ‘Within a week, no warts. I haven’t had a wart since.’
    ‘There was a ring at the door. It was Tom.
    ‘Hullo, Tom, what can I do you for?’
    ‘I just called round to – to call round,’ said Tom.
    ‘I’m perfectly all right.’
    ‘Of course you are. Linda just thought we rushed off rather, so one of us would look after the children and the other one would pop over and see if you wanted company. We tossed for it.’
    ‘And you lost?’
    ‘Yes. No, I won. So here I am.’
    ‘Well, come on in. Jimmy’s here, and Mark.’
    ‘Oh well, if you’re . . .’
    ‘No, come and have a drink now you’re here.’
    Tom sat on the settee, beside Mark, much to Reggie’s annoyance.
    ‘Beer, Tom?’
    ‘No, thanks. I only drink draught. Bottled stuff’s all gas and gaiters.’
    ‘Does blow you up, bottled beer,’ said Jimmy.
    ‘Another one, Jimmy?’
    ‘Please.’
    Reggie gave Tom a glass of wine and Jimmy a beer.
    ‘Kids in bed?’ said Mark.
    ‘No. Jocasta rather likes Late-Night Line-Up.’
    ‘I was just showing Jimmy and Mark some of my souvenirs,’ said Reggie.
    He handed round a small stuffed trout in a glass case.
    ‘This is the only fish I’ve ever caught. It’s a trout. I caught it at my boss’s place on the River Test.’
    The stuffed trout was passed from hand to hand.
    ‘Interesting,’ said Jimmy politely.
    ‘I eat a lot of fish,’ said Tom. ‘I’m a fish person.’
    A shaft of uncertain sunlight lit up the room. Reggie handed round a notebook full of figures.
    This is a list of all the engine numbers I saw during August 1936,’ he said.
    ‘Interesting,’ said Jimmy.
    ‘M’m,’ said Tom.
    Mark gave his father a puzzled look.
    ‘You certainly saw a lot of engines,’ said Jimmy.
    ‘I saw every one of the streamlined engines designed by Sir Nigel Gresley,’ said Reggie.
    ‘I pity these train spotters today,’ said Jimmy. ‘All these diesels. Nothing to it.’
    This is an old cricket scorebook,’ said Reggie. ‘I used to play cricket matches with dice. Listen to this one. It’s England v. My Girls.’
    ‘Your Girls? Who were they?’ said Jimmy.
    ‘They were all the girls I’d got a crush on. I must have been about fourteen. England batted first and made 188 all out. Leyland got 67. Danielle Darrieux took 4 for 29. Here’s the girls’ reply:

The fat receptionist at Margate
b Voce
28
Jill Ogleby
c Leyland, b Larwood
2
The tall girl on the 8.21
not out
92
Greta Garbo
l.b.w. Voce
30
Mrs Slimy Penfold
run out
1
Jennifer Ogleby
c Hutton, b Verity
9
The blonde waitress at the Kardomah
b Verity
0
Angela Borrowdale
c and b Verity
0
Violet Bonham Carter
not out
16
Extras

11
Total (for 7 wickets)

189
    The scorebook was passed from hand to hand. Reggie felt calm, at peace. His legs were no longer exceptionally heavy. His body no longer ached.
    ‘I hated cricket,’ said Tom. ‘I didn’t get the point of it.’
    ‘Pity the tall girl on the 8.21 didn’t get her ton,’ said Jimmy. ‘Might have done, if Violet Bonham Carter hadn’t hit two sixes off successive balls.’
    Mark handed the scorebook back to his father without comment.
    ‘Very interesting souvenirs,’ said Jimmy politely. ‘Nice to keep a few mementos.’
    ‘I’m going to burn them all,’ said Reggie.
    Jimmy stood up smartly.
    ‘Well, better be off,’ he said. ‘Tempus is fooging away.’
    ‘Don’t you want that food?’ said Reggie.
    ‘By jove, yes! Nearly forgot,’ said Jimmy.
    Reggie and Jimmy went into the kitchen.
    ‘There are some eggs, a little cold pork, some Danish salami, a lemon mousse, some rhubarb tart, half a loaf, bacon, butter and some odd salady bits. What would you like?’ said Reggie.
    ‘That’ll do fine,’ said Jimmy.
    Reggie packed the food into two carrier bags and handed them to