Free After Ever After by Rowan Coleman Page B

eight times since Alice and Karina have arrived but so far has been unable to get a word in.
    ‘Oh, God. Food!’ Karina giggles. ‘I always forget food.’
    Dora throws me a look, rolling her eyes, and says, ‘Yes, Christ, I’m starving. Bring it on. Kits, what do you fancy?’
    I’ve already decided on a spinach and ricotta lasagne, but before I can order, Alice, who has been trying not to stare at my breasts for the last few minutes, interrupts me.
    ‘Um, Katie, is it? Sorry to butt in, it’s just I think that … well, are you leaking?’
    I stare at her for a beat and then down at my shirt. A dark wet flower has blossomed over my left breast and a companion patch is just coming into bud over my right. The waiter politely excuses himself once again and I close my eyes in shame. I had felt them begin to feel a little heavy, but I never imagined that this would happen. It was time for Ella’s last feed about an hour ago, but as I haven’t been anywhere without her in six months I’d forgotten this could happen. I am soaked through and I have nothing to change into. I can feel the heat radiating from my face and I bite back tears.
    ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. Oh fuck. Look … Oh God, I’d better go …’ I push my chair away from the table and stand up, for once yearning for the invisibility that usually stalks me.
    ‘Don’t be mad,’ Dora says, catching my hand. ‘Come on, I’ll take you to the loo and we can stick your boobs under the dryer.’
    She smiles encouragingly but I shake my head and the threatened tears begin to run down my cheeks.
    ‘No, it’ll just stain, I’d better go.’
    Dora holds on to my hand, looking at me, silently asking me not to leave. I am acutely aware of Karina and Alice staring at me as if I am the fucked-up one.
    ‘Please, Dora. I want to go,’ I say in a low voice, and she releases my hand, unable to hide her disappointment.
    Camille picks up her bag. ‘I’ll go with her,’ she says to Dora.
    ‘No!’ I shout, making her jump and stare at me, her eyes wide with surprise. I lower my voice. ‘No, I’ll be fine. I can look after myself, okay. I’m fine. I just need to go. I’ll call you both …’
    Dora hugs me briefly, careful not to press her linen shirt against the wet silk of my top.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ I tell her.
    ‘Okay.’ Camille looks exasperated. ‘I’ll call you tonight, okay?’ She kisses me quickly.
    ‘Sorry, I’m sorry,’ I repeat as I gather up my belongings. ‘Just hormones and fatigue and all that. I’m fine. Really.’ I race for the doorway.
    Just as I reach the exit a burst of laughter sounds from the women I’ve left behind. I
know
they aren’t laughing at me, but even so I feel like the little girl stuck in the middle of a circle of crowing children all those years ago after Mum was killed. Only this time Dora isn’t here to beat them all up for me.

Chapter Four
    I look at my surroundings and guess that I am about a five-minute walk from Fergus’s office. I know that I could go home now, holding my bag across one breast and my hand over the other, and try to pretend it has all gone swimmingly, or I could call him and rely on him to make me feel better like he always does.
    I fumble for my mobile phone, grateful that lunchtime is over and that the streets are largely deserted.
    ‘Fergus Kelly, please,’ I say, barely holding on to my composure. As I listen to the ring tone, I pray that it will be him who picks up and not his PA, Tiffany.
    ‘Fergus Kelly?’
    Thank God. ‘It’s me,’ I manage to squeak.
    ‘Kitty? What’s up? Where are you? Has something happened?’
    I gulp for air, angry with myself for wanting to cry but unable to stop it.
    ‘Um, I’m on Appold Street and it’s nothing really, but, well, I … I … can I come and see you just for a minute?’ I clutch the phone like a last straw.
    ‘Oh baby, course you can. You walk down to my offices and I’ll come and meet you, all right?’
    ‘All right,’ I