Free Making It Up As I Go Along by Marian Keyes Page A

Movember thing?’
    ‘… but …’
    ‘And the condition! It’s so dry
it’s breaking off in my hands.’
    Then he will ask the most leading question you
will be asked in your visit. He will say, ‘What do you use for your home care
regime?’ And this is where you need to have your answers ready, my amigos. The very best
thing you can do is to lift your chin,meet his eye in the mirror and say
scornfully, ‘Home care? I
never
blow-dry my hair myself! My hairdresser comes to
my house every morning at seven.’
    However, if you feel you can’t manage to
pull this off, there are a couple of alternatives. You can say, ‘I use Frédéric
Fekkai.’ (This is the most expensive hair range that I know of.) ‘Admittedly,
Elijah, it costs an arm and a leg but it’s worth it, right? I’ve just started using
that overnight conditioner, the one that costs 195 quid a bottle and I find it perrrr.ittty
immmp.ressive. In fact, Elijah, your
own
hair is looking a bit banjoed, you could do
with some yourself. I’ve got a bottle here in my bag. I can give it to you for …
let’s say … £220?’
    OR you could say, ‘I use Majestic
Gold,’ and Elijah will curl his lip and say ‘What?’ (Because you’ve just
made it up.) And you will say, ‘Oh yes. It’s from the United Arab Emirates.
Next-generation haircare. Miracle stuff. It’s, like, literally the most expensive range on
the planet.’ Pause and give a little tinkle of a laugh. ‘They use real gold in it. I
hear they’re starting to use it in —’ And here you will mention their nearest
rival.
    OR you can say, ‘Elijah, you know and I
know that my hair is fine. I know you’re going to try and sell me an expensive
conditioner. But, Elijah, here’s how it is. I have enough money to buy the conditioner or
I have enough money to give you a tip. But I don’t have enough money to do both.
It’s up to you. You decide.’
    You must plump for one of these options. A stand
must
be taken. Else when you go to the till, you’ll find a little bag with rope
handles waiting for you.
    Step Six: The Hairwash. You will be taken to a
basin and a child who dreams of being on the minimum wage will ask if youwould like a head massage. You will say yes. The child will place their thumbs on your
skull and press twice. The massage is now over.
    Step Seven: The Blow-dry. It all depends. It
might go okay. Elijah might do what you ask. Or he might not. It depends on how bitter he is
that you didn’t buy the conditioner.
    Step Eight: The Conversation. Elijah will fire
an opening salvo by asking if you’ve been on holidays recently. You can shut things down
fast by saying, ‘I haven’t been anywhere for a while. Not since they made me
surrender my passport.’
    Step Nine: The Hairspray. Be a good girl and
take your medicine. Open your clob and let Elijah spray in a mouthful. Don’t drag it out.
    Step Ten: The Removal of the Gown. You will
stand up and expect Elijah to start untying bows. He won’t. You will have to do it
yourself.
    Step Eleven: The Stealthy Sell. When you go to
the till to pay, the receptionist person will say in a sing-songy casual way, ‘Did you
want to take any products,at all?’ And you will see the conditioner
Elijah tried to flog you sitting there, gazing at you hopefully like a puppy in an abandoned
dog’s home. Just say no. Again.
    Step Twelve: Your Next Appointment.
Super-casually, the receptionist will ask, ‘When will I book you in for your next
appointment, at all?’ Are you brave enough to say, ‘When hell freezes over’? I
confess I haven’t yet been, but I hope one day I will be.
    Step Thirteen: The Return of Your Coat. The
receptionist will ask, ‘What’s your coat like?’
    ‘It’s blue.’
    ‘Reeeeealllly?’ A blue coat? How
… well … hysterical!
    They’ll disappear into a little cubbyhole
and while they’re in there they’ll eat a Twirl and check their texts. Some time
later they’ll re-emerge, swallowing down the last of their