Free Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses by Pam Vredevelt Page A

number of children experiences adverse reactions, she said. This information, I knew, was supposed to assure me that everything would be fine. But my mind went in another direction entirely. All I could think was that we had
already
defied the odds by having a child with Down syndrome. Who was to say we wouldn’t flout the odds again?
    Those who dwell continually upon their expectations are apt to become oblivious to the requirements of their actual situation.
    C HARLES S ANDERS P IERCE
    The trauma of a major disappointment or painful loss tends to break down your defenses. You find it hard to expect much of anything for fear of being disappointed all over again. We went ahead with the shots … but not without anxiety.
    On the heels of a painful loss, relief can come as we revise our expectations to better fit the reality of our current situation. Remember—what is, is. To continue to hang on to expectations that are unsupported by the facts will simply intensify our struggle. If we want to improve the quality of our lives while grieving our losses, we have to learn to let go.
    On several occasions since Nathan’s traumatic entry into this world, I have had to take inventory of my expectations and make some adjustments.
    I can’t expect
Nathan to read a book out loud, as Jessie and Ben did when they were in kindergarten. If I hang on to that expectation, I will be disappointed. But
I can expect
him to read. That is a tangible, reachable goal for him.
    I can’t expect
that John and I will be empty nesters in six to twelve years, as we had previously thought. But
I can expect
that whatever comes will in some way be good and that God will be with us.
    I can’t expect
myself to do as much for John, Jessie, and Ben as I did before Nathan joined our family. Their needs have changed, and so have mine. I’m dividing my energies among four rather than three. But
I can expect
God’s strength to be sufficient for every situation. And because His plan is perfect, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Nathan has added more to the family than he has taken away. We have all madeadjustments, and the experience we share is rich. Different from what we expected, yes, but rich.
    I can’t expect
myself to always be a wise, patient, and attentive mother and wife. I want to be, of course, but many times I fall short. When I’m tired, I snap at my kids. When they give me flak, I raise my voice. Although I try very hard, I’m not always who or what I want to be.
    What I
can expect
is that God will pour grace over my weaknesses, as I offer them to Him, and restore my strength.
    In times of weakness I realize once again how profound and desperate is my need for God and His power to change me. That’s when I have to hold tightly to the expectation that He will finish the work He has started in me. That’s when I must stand on the promise that His power in me “is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over
and
above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]” (Ephesians 3:20, AMP).
    Life doesn’t always dish out what we expect. But if we remain open to new possibilities, the road ahead can be an adventure. The scenery may not be what we would have chosen, but it can be very, very good indeed. One way or another, God will get us to our final destination in heaven. And then, He promises,
every expectation we’ve ever had will fall absurdly short of reality. 3
    As a man gets wiser he expects less, and probably gets more than he expects.
    J OSEPH F ARRELL

C HAPTER N INE
R EFOCUS

    WHEN WE ARE IN THE PROCESS OF LETTING GO OF disappointment or a painful loss, we need to check our focus. Ask yourself:
Am I focusing on my losses, or on my gains?
Am I staring at a closed door behind me, or getting ready to walk through a new door in front of me?
Am I clinging to an ending, or preparing for a new beginning?
Am I complaining about things I can’t