Free A House to Let by Charles Dickens Page B

It's
wallable; it's cost twelve thousand five hundred pound; it may do you
good in life—The secret of this matter is, that it ain't so much that a
person goes into Society, as that Society goes into a person."
    Not exactly keepin up with his meanin, I shook my head, put on a deep
look, and said, "You're right there, Mr. Chops."
    "Magsman," he says, twitchin me by the leg, "Society has gone into me, to
the tune of every penny of my property."
    I felt that I went pale, and though nat'rally a bold speaker, I couldn't
hardly say, "Where's Normandy?"
    "Bolted. With the plate," said Mr. Chops.
    "And t'other one?" meaning him as formerly wore the bishop's mitre.
    "Bolted. With the jewels," said Mr. Chops.
    I sat down and looked at him, and he stood up and looked at me.
    "Magsman," he says, and he seemed to myself to get wiser as he got
hoarser; "Society, taken in the lump, is all dwarfs. At the court of St.
James's, they was all a doing my old business—all a goin three times
round the Cairawan, in the hold court-suits and properties. Elsewheres,
they was most of 'em ringin their little bells out of make-believes.
Everywheres, the sarser was a goin round. Magsman, the sarser is the
uniwersal Institution!"
    I perceived, you understand, that he was soured by his misfortunes, and I
felt for Mr. Chops.
    "As to Fat Ladies," he says, giving his head a tremendious one agin the
wall, "there's lots of
them
in Society, and worse than the original.
Hers
was a outrage upon Taste—simply a outrage upon Taste—awakenin
contempt—carryin its own punishment in the form of a Indian." Here he
giv himself another tremendious one. "But
theirs
, Magsman,
theirs
is
mercenary outrages. Lay in Cashmeer shawls, buy bracelets, strew 'em and
a lot of 'andsome fans and things about your rooms, let it be known that
you give away like water to all as come to admire, and the Fat Ladies
that don't exhibit for so much down upon the drum, will come from all the
pints of the compass to flock about you, whatever you are. They'll drill
holes in your 'art, Magsman, like a Cullender. And when you've no more
left to give, they'll laugh at you to your face, and leave you to have
your bones picked dry by Wulturs, like the dead Wild Ass of the Prairies
that you deserve to be!" Here he giv himself the most tremendious one of
all, and dropped.
    I thought he was gone. His Ed was so heavy, and he knocked it so hard,
and he fell so stoney, and the sassagerial disturbance in him must have
been so immense, that I thought he was gone. But, he soon come round
with care, and he sat up on the floor, and he said to me, with wisdom
comin out of his eyes, if ever it come:
    "Magsman! The most material difference between the two states of
existence through which your unhappy friend has passed;" he reached out
his poor little hand, and his tears dropped down on the moustachio which
it was a credit to him to have done his best to grow, but it is not in
mortals to command success,—"the difference this. When I was out of
Society, I was paid light for being seen. When I went into Society, I
paid heavy for being seen. I prefer the former, even if I wasn't forced
upon it. Give me out through the trumpet, in the hold way, to-morrow."
    Arter that, he slid into the line again as easy as if he had been iled
all over. But the organ was kep from him, and no allusions was ever
made, when a company was in, to his property. He got wiser every day;
his views of Society and the Public was luminous, bewilderin, awful; and
his Ed got bigger and bigger as his Wisdom expanded it.
    He took well, and pulled 'em in most excellent for nine weeks. At the
expiration of that period, when his Ed was a sight, he expressed one
evenin, the last Company havin been turned out, and the door shut, a wish
to have a little music.
    "Mr. Chops," I said (I never dropped the "Mr." with him; the world might
do it, but not me); "Mr. Chops, are you sure as you are in a state of
mind and body to sit upon the organ?"
    His answer