Free Bye Bye Baby by Fiona McIntosh Page B

Retired, and feeling every one of her fifty-nine years, Clare felt that grandchildren were all she had to look forward to. She regretted being so much like her own mother in this way, and hoped with all her heartthat Peter didn’t feel the pressure too much, although she suspected she might be kidding herself.
    She thought about the dark days of long ago. All Clare had ever wanted in life was to have children, and her mother, Elsie, had desperately wanted to be a grandmother. Elsie was a strong, dominant woman who liked to control her husband and her daughter. Grandchilden had become a burning issue between mother and daughter once Clare had married, and when four years passed with no baby, the relationships between daughter and mother, son-in-law and mother-in-law had suffered intensely.
    She could remember the ensuing arguments between herself and Garvan as if they were yesterday. It was the only time in their marriage that they had really fought. Many years later, when she was much older, much wiser, Clare could see that all the aggression was being generated by her mother and being passed on via herself to poor Garvan. Once the tests had confirmed that he was indeed the problem, her mother had had someone specific to blame. ‘Slow swimmers,’ the hospital specialist had offered with an awkward grin as an interpretation of the sperm test.
    She hated to remember those times. Garvan had changed character entirely. It was as though, after four years of marriage, she was suddenly living with a stranger, and by 1975 they were living separately, to give themselves some breathing space from the arguments and the tension of being childless.
    She had no idea where Garvan had gone during that time. He’d kept working, and she’d assumed he was staying with a friend, but contact between them was minimal and always filled with pain for both of them.Even in the blur of her own despair she’d understood that he was hurting every bit as much, but Elsie had ensured Garvan had felt it was all his fault, as though he’d betrayed his wife and her family. But then a miracle had occurred and Peter had come along. She had asked no questions, couldn’t bear to know the whys and wherefores. All that mattered was that she was to be a mother. She would never forget the moment that newborn Peter was placed in her arms. She had wept uncontrollably, so had Garvan. In fact, the depth of his emotion had surprised her and she had never seen him sob like that before or since.
    He had looked so frightened that night. She had been frightened too, but instant love had overcome all fear of any possible repercussions of taking Peter into their lives. All that mattered at that moment was that they were a family and they were together.
    Garvan handed her a mug, dragging her thoughts back to the present.
    ‘I made you one anyway,’ he said. ‘I’m going upstairs to get into some decent clothes for the doctor, and before you remind me, I’ll call Peter before I head off. You’re meeting Sheila today, aren’t you?’
    ‘Yes, you’ll be alone most of the day, we’re going over to Worthing.’
    ‘Buy yourself something nice.’ He kissed the top of her head and pointed at the remote control. ‘Could you turn on the news, love, let me know if there are any more bulletins on those murders?’
    She watched him go upstairs and wondered why on earth he was so interested in Britain’s latest serial killer.

6
    I sat in the comfy bucket seat and eyed Dr March with a direct stare. My life had taken a new, dangerous path since the last time I’d sat here and poured out my thoughts. Now it was February and nearing the end of winter, and I had the blood of two men on my hands.
    I’d been seeing Dr March for years without my spouse knowing. The psychiatrist thought I was here to talk about depression. About how the unhappy discovery that having children — the simplest, most normal event of all Nature’s magic — had been such a problem for us. And then