Free IBID by Mark Dunn Page B

Unaware at the time that the attempt on his life had been a case of mistaken identity, Feldman told a reporter from his hospital bed, “If he wanted the suit, he should take the suit. What I need less is a hole in the kishke! ”
Pettiville Press
, 22 July 1927.
    3. “I feel as if I have stepped into a deep furrow from which I cannot remove myself.” Working at the haberdashery for twelve hours a day in a struggling attempt to infuse operating capital into his parent’s floundering farm left Jonathan fatigued, depressed, and more estranged than ever from the life that he had hoped to build for himself in the world outside of Pettiville. This low point in Jonathan’s young life is articulated by the following entry from his diary.
    August 15, 1909
    Hee haw. Hee haw. I’m a work mule. A plow pony. A damned beast of burden, that’s what I am. Mildred is married and Great Jane is a connubial impossibility andI see nothing on the horizon but nose-to-the-grindstone bachelorhood for me.
    The silver lining: I am getting very good at selling. Suits and ties and shoes and spats. These days I can pretty much sell any fellow who walks into the store. In fact, there’s only one person I can’t sell: Father. And I’m not talking about clothes here. When it comes right down to it, Father’s getting far too old to run that farm with so little help and with that fractured pelvis and I am just barely able to keep all of our heads above water, but will he listen to my pitch? If only I could make Mother and Father see that the best thing they should do now is liquidate the acreage and get themselves a nice little place in town. I’ll be happy to help out as needed. Because I’ll have no family of my own to place a drag on my income. Nose-to-the-grindstone bachelorhood for me. If that’s my fate, I will reconcile myself to it.
    Dr. Bloor would be sorely disappointed to hear what has become of me.
    4. “Izzie and Moe still won’t give me a raise. I am going to look for work elsewhere.” Ibid., 15 October, 1909.
    5. “ Are you a hairy man?” Jonathan noted in his diary (19 October1909) that the interview for assembly line relief man at Pettiville’s Sure-Fry Lard Works was one of the strangest encounters he’d ever had. He took pains to transcribe to the best of his recollection nearly the whole exchange.
    JENKINS
: Have a seat. Fritter biscuit?
    JONATHAN
: No thank you.
    JENKINS
: Crunkle cake, fresh from the vat?
    JONATHAN
: Thanks, but I’m not all that hungry.
    JENKINS
: Deep fried crackle crisp?
    JONATHAN
: I’m not sure I know what that is.
    JENKINS
: Shall we get down to business?
    JONATHAN
: Yes.
    JENKINS
: I don’t beat around the proverbial bush. When I want to know something, I simply ask it.
    JONATHAN
: Go right ahead.
    JENKINS
: Are you a hairy man?
    JONATHAN
: Am I what?
    JENKINS
: A hairy man.
    JONATHAN
: Well, I—
    JENKINS
: I note a minimum of carpeting on your forearms. Does this indicate a lack of same upon other regions of your epidermis?
    JONATHAN
: I would suppose so.
    JENKINS
: That is unfortunate.
    JONATHAN
: I beg your pardon?
    JENKINS
: The fact that you are effeminately hairless.
    JONATHAN
: Perhaps I will grow more hair as I age. I am, after all, only twenty-one.
    JENKINS
: Yes. Hmm. There is that possibility. Though I must tell you, Mr. Blashette, that my preference is for the men who join this operation to have sufficient, well-establishedbody hair.
    JONATHAN
: My father is somewhat hairy. Perhaps in time—
    JENKINS
: I’m afraid I need this position filled next week. (
A pause
.) There are, of course, ways for one to stimulate the growth of hair.
    JONATHAN
: Yes?
    JENKINS
: One proven method comes to mind. But there is a downside. On occasion, the hair growth is limited to the palms of the hands. And in some exceptional cases, one goes blind.
    JONATHAN
: I wouldn’t want that, no.
    JENKINS
: Tripping and bumping into things. I’d have to keep you far away from the rendering