Free An exact replica of a figment of my imagination: a memoir by Elizabeth McCracken Page B

comforted me.

W e’d chosen North Norfolk because Edward had grown up there. We’d rented the smallest four-bedroom house in the world: three of the bedrooms held only a single bed and a table. Edward shimmied a desk into one of the rooms; I wrote sitting up in bed in another. One of the ways in which we felt
    — not lucky, not that word again —
    Let me say we were glad we were free agents and could go somewhere neutral for several months, neither the place we’d lived while waiting for our child, nor the place we would spend the rest of our lives without him.
    In that small Norfolk town, we spent one week drinking heavily and smoking, and then we gave ourselves a shake, switched to a fish diet, daily exercise, and work. We had time to kill; until the U.S. government sorted out Edward’s immigration application, he was not strictly speaking supposed to travel to the States. We were writers: we wrote. Edward worked on his enormous Parisian novel; I went back to a novel beginning I’d been fiddling around with before I was pregnant, which (I’d forgotten) featured a dead infant. Strangely enough, I was glad for that fictional baby who I’d in all innocence murdered (drowned in a bathtub) a year before: I couldn’t have made him up in my grief, but I could pour my grief into him. I wrote a hundred pages of the book and two new short stories; I worked harder and faster than I had in years. At night we watched movies, straight out of the care packages Ann sent me: all of Carole Lombard, all of Mae West, enough silly distraction to last the summer.
    Some days were worse than others. For about a week I got the opening line of an Auden poem that I’d memorized in high school stuck in my head: About suffering they were never wrong, the Old Masters . . . The poem describes the Breughel painting The Fall of Icarus, in which (as Auden explains) life goes on despite the tiny white legs kicking up in the corner of a harbor, Icarus sunk. My high school English teacher had explained that the myth was about hubris, ignoring the good advice of your wise father, but for me that summer the painting, the poem, everything, was about lost boys and the parents who’d failed them. One of the BBC channels was showing Steven Spielberg movies, mother after mother failing to protect her son: AI is bad, Empire of the Sun is worse, and E.T. the worst of all: I sobbed on the sofa at the end of it.
    We ate local crab and local seaweed. We swam at Holkham Beach, an amazing stretch of sand that Edward remembered from his boyhood. We went to pubs. We saw children everywhere, of course, and babies. And Edward would always say, “I hope we can have another child,” and I would answer, “Me, too.”
    Work, walks, wine. Our life as usual, having moved to a new place. We got to know our fishmonger and butcher and greengrocer, picked out our restaurants, opened a bottle of wine at 6:00 p.m. if we were cooking at home. On the one hand it was comforting and even lovely, especially the long walks we took along the Norfolk coast, and on the other hand the very usualness, the loveliness, the freedom to do what we wanted, was a kind of torture: look at your unencumbered selves. After most deaths, I imagine, the awfulness lies in how everything’s changed: you no longer recognize the form of your days. There’s a hole. It’s person-shaped and it follows you everywhere, to bed, to the dinner table, in the car.
    For us what was killing was how nothing had changed. We’d been waiting to be transformed, and now here we were, back in our old life.

Y ears before I’d given away an antique postcard that said, beneath a drawing of a pine branch:
For thee I pine.
For thee I balsam.
    (I regretted giving away that postcard almost immediately. The recipient didn’t deserve it. Me in a nutshell: I don’t regret a single instance of giving away my heart, but a novelty postcard with a really good pun? I still wish I hadn’t.)
    Now I pined, and pined. I pictured