Free The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) by Steven Scaffardi Page A

knee-high fuck-me-boots and a snake-print dress.
They took up a position directly opposite us at the bar.
    “ That bird is
absolute,” Jack said, his eyes bulging out of his head, and the
accustomed one finger index salute he made when paying a girl the
compliment of calling her absolute.
    “ Go and talk
to her Dan,” Rob said.
    “ Are you nuts?
I’m not talking to her.” What the hell was he trying to do to me?
He had already witnessed the car crash at Balham tube
station.
    “ Yeah, go and
talk to her Dan,” Jack egged me on.
    “ Why don’t you
go and talk to her?” I fired back.
    “ I would, but
I’m just waiting for the right moment,” Jack said rubbing his hands
together.
    “ Ladies,
ladies. I’ll go and talk to her,” and Rob got up and made his way
over. We all watched the master in silence.
    “ Excuse me, I
don’t mean to interrupt,” Rob started, confidence oozing from his
body language. “I know this might sound really schoolboy, but...
I’m so embarrassed, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
    “ Don’t be
embarrassed, what is it?” she responded, already seemingly hanging
on his every word.
    He lowered his head, and rubbed
his brow, but constantly sporting that big white smile. “Do you see
my friend over there?” He pointed in my direction.
    She looked straight at me.
“What the hell is he doing?” I asked the others. Ollie and Jack
shrugged their shoulders as they kept their eyes firmly locked on
the blonde who was now playing with her hair.
    “ He wants to
know...” he paused for just the right effect. “He wants to
know...”
    Please don’t
do this to me I thought, we’re not back in the playground
playing my mate fancies
you .
    “ He wants to
know... if you fancy me?”
    What?! I want
to know if she fancies him ?!
    “ Why doesn’t
he ask me himself?” she teased, keeping her eyes permanently locked
on Rob. I doubt she even knew what I looked like. Or
cared.
    “ He’s shy,”
Rob responded.
    “ Sure,” she
smiled. “You’re not too bad,” and she playfully rubbed her hand across
his face.
    And just like that Rob proved
his point. He spent the next 10 minutes flirting outrageously with
her while Jack kept cursing him for not bringing her over with her
friends. “What is he doing?” Jack asked us. “I’ve got the right
horn for that dark haired bird. She keeps giving me the eye.”
    “ I think she
just has a nervous twitch,” I taunted him.
    “ I don’t care
which one I have. I’m up for anything,” Ollie confessed. “Do you
want the fat one Dan?”
    “ Funnily
enough Ollie, I don’t,” I said.
    “ That is fine
with me; I’ll take her. Fat birds tend to put a bit more effort in
as they don't know where the next shag is coming from.”
    “ This is
ridiculous,” Jack declared. “I’m not waiting any longer. Oi, Rob!”
Jack perched his small frame up on to the seat. “Bring the birds
over here – we’ve got plenty of room.”
    Faced with such a charming
invitation, how could they resist? Rob led the girls over and made
the introductions. The blonde who Rob had been talking to was
Katie. Jack immediately made a beeline for dark-haired Jessica,
while non-fussy Ollie started up a conversation with fat Kathy.
    Friend number four slid into
the remaining seat next to me, but I certainly wasn’t disappointed
with what I had been left with. She was petite, with full lips and
auburn coloured hair in bob cut. She had pretty little freckles on
her nose.
    “ Hi, I’m
Grace,” she extended her hand, “I guess you’re stuck with
me.”
    “ I guess so,”
I stuttered as I shook her hand. “I mean, I’m pleased I’m stuck
with you. Not that I feel that I’m stuck with you. I probably would
have chosen you.”
    Get a grip I told myself.
    “ You really
know how to make a girl feel special,” she smiled and took a sip of
her bright coloured cocktail.
    Say something I thought.
Everyone else had engaged in some sort of conversation. Jack was
overly