Free Golden Hour by William Nicholson Page A

not her own voice, the sound of the heavy pain behind her eyes, saying,
You’re losing it. You’re losing it all
.
    So she grips her hands tight on the kitchen table, on the steering wheel of the car, on the strap of her leather satchel, not knowing she’s doing it. Fear of losing it all.
    Feathery clouds in the pale blue sky as she walks from the car park past the railway station. Nesting rooks rising and falling in the tops of the sycamores that line Southover Road. She tries calling her best girlfriend Jo, but gets no answer and doesn’t leave a message. Her head is still hurting as she keys in the codeand goes through the glass doors and climbs the wide stairs to the second floor.
    Sam is already there, stirring his first cup of coffee of the day, the cramped little office wrapped round him like a coat. He looks up as Maggie enters and she can see from his eyes that he can’t see it, the panic. He looks instead to see how she sees him, a sweet boy with more than a crush on her. It happens when you’re squeezed together in a tiny office day after day.
    â€œGood weekend?” he says.
    â€œNot bad.” She drops her heavy satchel, sinks down into her chair, presses her fingers to her temples. The tray of new applications looks fuller than it was last thing Friday. There are Post-It notes on her desk with messages.
    â€œOh, God. The Westmeston barn conversion again.”
    â€œIt’s the glazing bars. They want a decision today.”
    â€œGet me a cup of coffee, Sam. I haven’t woken up yet.”
    â€œComing up.”
    For a few moments she has the office to herself. The pain is passing at last. So what was that about? Not about Andrew, surely? It’s true she had half assumed he’d call when he got back to his place yesterday evening, and he didn’t. But what’s the big deal with that? She’s been wanting to cool things down a bit. Slow things down.
    Nothing has slowed down. Suddenly her life is going by at double speed, fast-forward to somewhere unknown. In seven days’ time Andrew starts a new job just up the road here in Lewes, and if he’s not living with her then they’ve split up, and if he’s living with her then they’re getting married.
    That’s stupid, isn’t it? How can your entire future come down to a decision you make in six days?
    Yesterday it seemed simple. Yesterday it was just a matter ofstopping the door closing on her. But he always calls in the evenings when they’re apart, and yesterday he didn’t call. What does that mean? Is he hurt? Is he angry? She doesn’t want to hurt him or anger him.
    So what do I want? I stay with Andrew for the rest of my life, and know it could have been so much better. Or I split up with Andrew and risk spending the rest of my life alone.
    Sam returns with a mug of hot strong coffee.
    â€œYou look like hell, if you don’t mind me saying so.”
    â€œI feel like hell.”
    â€œYou know what, Maggie? You should marry me.”
    Five years younger than her, so he can joke about it.
    â€œWhat makes you think I want to marry anyone, Sam?”
    â€œOh, you know. People do.”
    â€œActually I’m okay with the marrying. But living with someone, that’s hard.”
    â€œYou know why?”
    â€œNo, Sam. Tell me why.”
    â€œBecause you’re a control freak. You need someone submissive who adores you.”
    He poses with his hands spread, a soppy grin on his face. Maggie laughs. The panic is subsiding.
    â€œI’d drive you nuts.”
    â€œYou don’t know till you try. And I don’t care that you’re older than me. Actually, that’s what I like about you.”
    â€œShut up, Sam. We’ve got work to do.”
    But Sam’s ridiculous act is doing her good. Shaming how much we all like being flattered.
    So the day’s work begins. There’s the amended plans for the Southease bridge to check, and a