Free My Madder Fatter Diary by Rae Earl Page B

pieces.
    Wednesday 6.6.90
    6.34 p.m.
    I now realise I am the only woman in our school without a mini Liberty fabric frog. They are all bringing them in as mascots. I’ve just got an old Womble Uncle Bulgaria for luck.
    Total depravity.
     
    7.12 p.m.
    Not depravity. Deprivation! Wish it was depravity. Massive Haddock-based depravity. Sometimes in the middle of exams he flashes in my brain like a sex storm.
    Thursday 7.6.90
    8.39 p.m.
    English History A level – I’d done no revision. None of the questions even made any sense. One of the questions was ‘Explain the Advances in Elizabethan Culture and Music’. So I wrote this massive piss take about the popularity of ‘New Kids on Ye Block’ and Madonna being burned as a heretic because she was plainly too Catholic in all of her songs. When I told Mort she thought it was genius but I have a feeling it will not impress the massively virgin boring examiner who is looking for some shit standard answer. What sort of person decides to mark exam papers? People with no life who don’t have sex.
    Oh God don’t let me become an A level examiner.
    I’ve noticed sometimes when I have massive real stress then I worry less that I’m Satan or that I’ve got peritonitis. Perhaps I need to stay at school forever. No Rae you look stupid in a 38 inch waist kilt now – let alone at 31 or something ancient.
     
    10.12 p.m.
    ITV are going to show a miniseries called War and Remembrance about World War 2. They always show Nazis in Summer. Mum is taping it for me but I’m going to watch it on my portable too. John Gielgud and Jane Seymour are Jews and it’s obvious they are going to survive because they are famous. Which will piss me off because the Nazis were total bastards and killed everyone, Jewish or gay or Gypsy or people who just told them they were knobs.
    Why am I even revising the Hapsburg tossers when the Nazis were killing everyone less than fifty years ago?! All other history is pointless. Seriously Charles V can piss off. WHO CARES?!
    Friday 8.6.90
    5.23 p.m.
    WHAT A DAY!
    Mum called up and said ‘Your mate is in the back of the paper.’ Didn’t think much of it but it was HADDOCK! She said ‘He’s a good-looking boy isn’t he?’ Oh – I cannot tell you how much this is the understatement of the century. It is FRIGHTENING the level of horniness. He is crouching down with his team in shorts. THE THIGHS!! THE THIGHS!! You have never seen thighs like them. They are rock and silk in one. They are like a sculpture. When Mum went to make Adnan something halal I ripped it out. It’s just – LOOK AT IT! Tell me you wouldn’t. He could make nuns doubt themselves. Haddock – ruiner of nuns. Habits drop at the thought of him. I don’t mean biting nails or anything, I mean what nuns wear.
     
    8.12 p.m.
    Mum just burst in to tell me off for ripping the paper. Oh yes because she’s really interested in the local over 60s bowls league! ANY chance to have a go at me.
    No-one is going out because of A levels. Annoying but if I was down the Vaults I couldn’t stare at Haddock’s legs for as long as I am without questions being asked – especially by his girlfriend HA HA HA!!
    Listening to Hup by The Wonder Stuff. ‘Golden Green’ is brilliant. They are talking about somebody so brilliant even crap things they do still shine – who does that sound like?
    Saturday 9.6.90
    9.12 p.m.
    Baked beans are halal. That has been established today. Baked beans with pork sausages are not halal. That has been established by STATING THE TOTALLY OBVIOUS.
    Sometimes I think my mum just asks me stupid questions to check that I am still here. Or she wants to include me in family life. I don’t want to be part of it. I want to be EXCLUDED.
    A levels, no-one down the pub, World Cup football and religious diets. What a nightmare combination.
     
    CUTTING
    You’re a crumpled piece of paper
    A black and white bit of stuff
    A cutting from my local
    A tabloid bit of rough
    But you’re more