Free The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool by Wendy Northcutt Page A

several tons. As the middle pine tree fell, both privates were ripped off their feet and smashed through the branches of the end pine tree. At the height of their acceleration they broke through the top branches of the tree and were briefly airborne before being jerked toward the earth when the middle tree hit the ground. The privates entered into Darwin history, either on the way up through the branches or on the way down to the ground.
    The event spoke for itself.
    Reference: Eyewitness account of the attending physician

    Reader Comments:
    “Can’t see the forest…”
    “Sometimes the bark is worse than a bite.”
    “This is what happens when soldiers don’t have officer supervision.”

Darwin Award: Into the Abyss
    Unconfirmed
     
    An enterprising lumberman had felled a large tree and needed to haul it up a steep embankment. So he jacked up the rear end of his pickup and swapped one of the rear tires for a bare rim. He attached one end of a rope to the rim and the other end of the rope to the felled tree. He put the pickup into gear, expecting the rim to act as a makeshift rope crank that would pull the tree up the embankment, saving him lots of sweat.
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    “A great idea? Not if you’re reading it here!”
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    Readers point out that unless the truck had a differential lock, this could not happen. The differential gearing on the rear axle would spin the other wheel but not the one with the load. It’s the same when you put one rear wheel in a ditch. If that wheel has no grip, power does not go to the wheel still on the road. Agricultural and off-road vehicles often have differential lock, but there is no mention here.
    Join the Debate! www.DarwinAwards.com/book/differential.html
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    A great idea? Not if you’re reading it here! You see, the tree vastly outweighed the truck. The man was standing with one foot on the ground and the other foot on the accelerator. When he gunned the engine, the tree acted like an anchor and the truck yanked itself backward. The open door rammed into him, and he was swept over the embankment along with the pickup.
    When the dust settled, our lumberman had entered the great beyond. But his escapade served as a warning to the next lumberman, who cut up the tree where it lay and carried it off.
    Reference: Another brilliant submission from the files of a thirty-year veteran of the ER, who says, “You cannot make this up!”
    “If all else fails, Immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”
    —John Kenneth Galbraith

Darwin Award: Big Bang Theory
    Unconfirmed
    OCTOBER 2006, OKLAHOMA
     
    A patient at the local clinic sustained serious internal injuries from a fishing accident, including a ruptured eyeball and total hearing loss in one ear. Both legs were amputated midthigh. How did the normally mild sport of fishing become so dangerous?
    The man had been standing at the end of a dock with a bucket of dynamite, two-inch chunks, each fused and capped. He took a chunk, lit the fuse, cocked his arm for the throw…and dropped the chunk into the bucket of dynamite!
    Instantly recognizing the serious situation he was in, the man dove off the dock. But water is incompressible. It transferred the force of the explosion, in line with the blast, against his body.
    Besides his other injuries the force also damaged both gonads. One doctor was heard to remark that the gene pool was safe, as this patient had lost his balls.
    Reference: Eyewitness account by Mike Andrews

At Risk Survivor: Hedge Your Bets
    Unconfirmed
    2007, ONTARIO, CANADA
     
    Recently a patient was rushed into the hospital, needing a surgeon to reattach the tips of his fingers to his left hand. While taking the patient history it was found that this bright chap had got the idea of holding his lawn mower sideways and applying it to his hedge. He was holding the mower deck trimming the hedge, and things were going well until the weight of the mower got to be a bit much. He readjusted his grip on the mower