Free How to Avoid Sex by Matthew Revert Page A

combination of outrage and self-satisfaction overcame me as Miss Applebaum scribbled my words down. No matter how hard the world tried to dissuade me, my ideology would remain strong. Not even the self-proclaimed ‘sex guru’ would alter that.
    “You seem to have some very strong opinions about sex. Have you ever actually had it?”
    I smiled. “Miss Applebaum… I am 48 years old. I have been on this earth for over 17,000 days, more than 400,000 hours, and in all that time I have successfully managed to avoid sex. No matter how far the world around me sinks into depravity, I remain moral and unsullied. So not only have I never had sex, but I am very proud of that fact.”
    “So… with all this moral superiority of yours, one question must be asked, Mr. Worthington… why are you here? This is the last place I’d expect to find someone like you. Is this a moral crusade of yours? Are you here to convert me?”
    Sarcasm dripped from her words, but I didn’t let this bother me. One grows used to the inferior displays of superiority in others.
    “I’m not exactly here for me,” I said. “I’ve met someone.”
    Miss. Applebaum’s eyes widened. She leaned forward, interest having struck for the first time since meeting me. “Ahh! Now I’m getting the picture. This ‘someone’ of yours… they want to have sex?”
    “Regrettably, yes. He has a sexual appetite, and as you can imagine, this is causing me some consternation.”
    “He? So you’re of homosexual persuasion then?”
    I was truly surprised by this question as she continued to scribble down my words in her notebook. I wasn’t an anything sexual. Sexual appetite for any of the genders disgusted me.
    “No… you don’t quite understand. I have chosen the ‘he’ pronoun for practical purposes only. In actuality, he has no gender, which is something that works very nicely for me.”
    “If ‘he’ has no gender, how exactly are the two of you going to have sex?” asked Miss Applebaum. She was truly interested now.
    “That’s one of the best aspects to this relationship. I don’t have to have sex with him, rather I provide sex for him. There is a difference.”
    “What do you mean? You find people to have sex with him?”
    I coughed up tea I finished drinking days ago at the nerve of the question. “No! Of course not. I personally give him sex.”
    “With your body?”
    “Yes with my body. What a ridiculous question.”
    “Sorry if I seem a little slow on the uptake, Mr. Worthington, but are you suggesting the two of you have already had sex?”
    “No no no! You simply don’t understand. I don’t need to have sex with him in order for him to have sex.”
    “How is it that he is having sex and you’re not? Spell it out for me.”
    “I sit on him. All I have to do is sit on him and he is having sex, whereas I am merely sitting.”
    “Why do you sit on him?”
    “Because that’s his function, you imbecile!”
    “His function is to be sat on?”
    “Of course it is! He’s a bloody chair for god’s sake! What else would you do with a chair?”
    “A chair?”
    I nodded. I was feeling quite put out by the barrage of questions, and my temper was getting the best of me. Applebaum wasn’t overly concerned by my temper, but she seemed dazed. Her eyeswere studying the ceiling while she tried to process what I had said. I really didn’t think it was that complicated… especially for a supposed ‘sex guru’.
    “I could talk to you all day, Mr. Worthington. But I believe I have everything I need for us to get started.”
    “Get started with what?” I asked. “I haven’t consented to anything.”
    Applebaum retrieved the empty questionnaires, placed them back in her drawer and stood up. “It’s okay. You’ll be given every opportunity to refuse whatever is offered to you. Follow me please.”
    We were back in the clinical glare of the research facilities. Miss Applebaum walked with brisk steps passed various rooms hidden behind closed