would do: I took the cordless phone outside, sat down on the chilly back steps that overlooked my garbage cans, and called my best friend. With Gloria I was free to wallow in self-pity for as long as I wanted, without having to endure the unpleasant aftertaste of guilt that comes from making a scene.
âDo you still love him?â Gloria asked.
I sighed, exasperated. It was such a trick of Gloriaâs, throwing out an impossibly worst-case scenario to defuse the crisis at hand with perspective. âOf course I still love him. I probably love him more.â
âYouâre just tired,â she said.
âVery tired.â
âAnd you arenât having any sex.â
âItâs a privilege I lost once I broke his back.â
âIt wasnât your fault.â
âI didnât see anybody else there.â
âSo this is penance?â
Penance. I hadnât thought of it that way. It was a very Catholic concept. Was it possible that all my work was simply paying off the damage I had done?
âI guess that could be it. Iâm not saying Romeo is asking me to do all the things Iâm doing. Most of it comes from me. He really tries very hard not to be too demanding.â
âWhen Buzz had his heart attack, he started asking me to cut the crusts off his sandwiches. He told me he wanted to drink mango juice in the morning. He said he had to have ESPN on, even when he was asleep.â
âOh God, itâs nothing like that.â I looked around to make sure that no one was within earshot. âMaybe Iâm just frustrated because having him around makes me realize how much I wish I did live with him.â I hadnât admitted this to Romeo. I hadnât even really admitted it to myself. Despite the constant running around, I really liked having him there. I wanted to keep him.
âI guess you could always compress another one of his vertebrae.â
âNo, seriously. With Sandy and Tony and the kids and all of Romeoâs family, sometimes I think this is the only chance weâre ever going to have to live together. It makes me feelâ¦I donât knowââ
âWistful.â
âExactly.â Gloria had an annoying habit of finishing my sentences but sometimes she did a better job of it than I would have, anyway.
âSpeaking of Sandy and the kids, tell Sarah Iâll drop her lottery tickets by sometime tomorrow.â
âHer lottery tickets?â
âShe called and asked me to pick them up for her. She said everybody at home was so busy with Romeo that she didnât want to bother anyone. Isnât that cute? Sheâs so grown-up on the telephone.â
âHow many did she ask you for?â
âJust two,â Gloria said. âBut I got her three. Theyâre only a dollar.â
âSandy told usâ¦â I started, but then I saw there really wasnât any point.
âDonât worry about Sandy. You should be concentrating on Romeo. The man you love is helpless in your bed. Seize the day!â
Living with a person changes things. After three years of feeling very close to Romeo, I suddenly realized I had never really known him at all. You may think you speak the language, but until you actually live in the country youâre just playing around. Romeo liked hot things hot and cold things cold. Plenty of ice in everything, including orange juice. He liked to watch the Today Show in the morning and seemed particularly smitten with the wide-eyed female host, though he denied it. He preferred the Times to the Globe, slept in socks, and hummed along with any piece of Beethoven that came on the radio. He woke up cheerful in the morning, even when under the influence of various pharmaceuticals. He slept with his mouth wide-open at night but did not snore.
But the main thing I came to realize about Romeo was that he was a very popular guy. All day long, the doorbell rang. Dominic came first thing in the