Free Dodger for President by Jordan Sonnenblick Page A

of speeches, and I would decide the order in our second round. So when she made us shake hands, I whispered, “Hey, James, do you think maybe I could, um, go first? I mean, since you have the advantage and everything, being so well loved by everybody and all. Could you please just consider it?”
    Lizzie looked over at me, and I could read her lips saying,
What are you doing?
I winked at her.
    James pushed my hand away in disgust andsaid, “Help you? Why would I help a dork like
you
?” Then he turned to Mrs. Starsky and put on a phony sweet-kid voice as he told her, “Ma’am, I think I’d like to go first today, all right?”
    Lizzie’s face suddenly lit up. I could tell she understood what had just happened. But Dodger wasn’t going to be happy.
    Mrs. Starsky nodded at James, wished us both luck, and stepped up to the podium. She leaned toward the microphone that was mounted on it, quieted everybody down, and gave James a big introduction. Way off in the distance, Dodger scribbled on the sign, “YU WER SUPPOSTA GO FURST!” A lot of the kids cheered when Mrs. Starsky said James’s name, but a few sat with their arms crossed, looking unhappy. Maybe James didn’t have quite as many friends as he thought.
    James walked calmly to the platform, put his speech on the podium, and began. I could have sworn I saw some flashing sparkles in the air around his head as he spoke the first words, but maybe that was just my imagination. However, the disaster that followed was 100 percent real. Here,for the sake of historical accuracy, is a complete transcription of James Beeks’s first presidential campaign speech:
    Â 
Dear classmates, fellow students, comrades, peers, contemporaries,
    I am here today to tell you the reasons, the whys and wherefores, the rationale to explain why I am the best, the greatest, the most deserving candidate in this election.
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    James paused at this point, squinted at his speech, picked up the pages, and shook them before continuing. Meanwhile, Dodger wrote: “O NO! HEEZ GONNA WINNN!”
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You know I have always served in the student government of this school, this educational institution, this center of learning, to the best of my ability. And I think I have always done a good, great, exemplary, swell, fabulous, funky fresh, super-bad, righteous job.
    Â 
    James paused again, shaking his head as though he had water in his ear. Meanwhile, kids in the audience were starting to murmur, and a fewgiggles were breaking out around the room. Dodger erased frantically, then wrote: “SEE? WEER DED!”
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So you have to ask yourself, wonder, ponder the issue of, decide whether you would rather have the most experienced man in office, or throw away, toss, waste your vote on [James pointed at me] this geek, this nerd, this dork, this loser, this pathetic, sniveling, chinless weakling.
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    Dodger jumped up and down, and pointed to his newest message: “NO CHIN?
DUDE!
” Meanwhile, Mrs. Starsky got up at this point and approached James. She did not look pleased. Mrs. Starsky whispered something in James’s ear, and his whole face got pale.
    Â 
Ahem, hrrm, hock-hock, gargle.
    Â 
    Wow, this was a powerful spell—it even made you clear your throat four different ways! Dodger stopped writing, looked puzzled for a moment, and then started to laugh.
    Â 
Sorry, I just had something stuck in my throat, a bit of gooey phlegm, a wad of partially thickened mucus, a hocker, a loogie, a—
    Â 
    Students were openly turning away from James in disgust now, and there were definitely pockets of laughter around the room. Mrs. Starsky went up to James again, with what must have been a second warning. Dodger wrote: “HAY! THIS MITE BEE OK!”
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Okay then, back to my speech, my monologue, my oration. I was saying that I should be president, leader, commander in chief of the armed forces, big kahuna, head honcho, silverback