Free How to Archer by Sterling Archer Page A

espresso and grappa—be asked to choose a type of sole. The sole you choose will (obviously) depend on when and where you foresee wearing the shoes, but as ever, Antonio will be delighted to assist you in making the correct choice. The style and materials of your bespoke shoes having been carefully selected, the entire staff of Casa di Scarpe Carbone will join you in a toast over a glass of delicate prosecco.
    Three to four weeks later, you will receive your shoes—in a handcrafted, velvet-lined box made from the wood of a young Atlas Cedar—along with a handwritten note from Antonio:
    Signore Archer, mio caro amico: si prega di godere di questa umile offerta di scarpe. — A.
    Note: Be prepared to spend a little more for shoes like this.

PERSONAL GROOMING
    I am constantly astounded by the fact that some men—men who are sometimes, though not often, nearly as impeccably dressed as I am—overlook their personal grooming habits. Because a woman isn’t going to notice that your Sulka tie has a perfect knot (a fact she should instantly recognize) if the nose above that knot looks like a gerbil ran up there and got stuck.
HAIR
    Kept short. And also naturally thick and with a luxuriant sheen. Nothing else will do.
BATHING
    Using handmade, lavender-scented Aleppo (note that I did not say Castile) soap, your valet will bathe you from head to toe, including your hair: the olive and laurel oils in Aleppo soap will lend to your hair’s naturally (if you are me) luxuriant sheen, Don’t worry about your being bathed by your valet seeming homoerotic: If anything, he will be oddly detached and clinical throughout the entire process. Almost as if he finds the very act to be incredibly distasteful.
FRAGRANCE
    Bay rum with lime. Only. Ever. I shouldn’t have to say that, Now I’m furious again.
NAILS
    Fingernails and toenails should be kept clipped short, with no protrusion past the tip of their respective digits. Cuticles should be pushed back, frequently yet carefully, and preferably immediately following a hot shower or bath, which will make them more pliable. And if this sounds like a mani-pedi, that’s because it is. And which your valet will perform for you on a weekly basis. And also which, in addition to being important to good overall nail health, is also a great opportunity to sit back, sip a smoky glass of single-malt scotch, and mock your valet. For having to kneel down, on his nearly glass-like kneecaps, and dig out a bunch of your toe jam.
SHAVING
    I used to go to this great place down on Twenty-eighth and Seventh. Little hole-in-the-wall run by a Russian émigré and staffed by his two daughters: fantastic hot-towel, straight-razor shaves. But then the two daughters caught pregnant and had to be shipped off to relatives in Michigan, and the few times I went back after that, he was bordering on impolite. Now Woodhouse shaves me.
    Straight razor only. The blade is Solingen steel, hollow-ground, French-tipped, and stropped on only the finest leather, The handle is elk antler. 87 The brush is (and can only be) silver-tip badger: this is my face we’re talking about. The shave cream is a proprietary blend of Woodhouse’s own creation, the ingredients of which I promised I would not divulge herein.
    A note about facial hair: No.
    Unless you are a cop, Latino, or some combination thereof, In which case it is acceptable for you to have a mustache. A Van Dyke beard (often erroneously called a goatee) is acceptable only if you are an evil mastermind. Which, if you are reading this book, I hope you are not. 88

PHYSICAL FITNESS
    I don’t know what to tell you about physical fitness. Because as unfair as it may be, I never, ever, ever work out, yet I look like Michelangelo carved me out of flesh-colored marble.
    It’s ridiculous. I can’t even take my shirt off in developing countries (which are usually oppressively hot and humid, and thus the exact sort of place one most wishes to be shirtless) because I am instantly mobbed