Free Brave (Healer) by April Smyth Page B

adjusts himself. His body moves even closer to mine. He is hanging over me like a cage and I can feel his desire pulsating against my body and suddenly I feel sick.
                  ‘This isn’t right, Oliver,’ I blurt out with a twisted expression on my face.
                  Why am I saying this? What am I doing? I can’t remember the last time something ever felt this right. My head knows that I want this and Oliver wants this. We may not have known each other for long and it might be ridiculous but it is natural and it is wonderful and I want it so badly but my heart is saying another thing. I remind myself of the guilt, of how I would feel if I knew Gabe had his lips pressed against another girls and I want to cry. Gabe isn’t my boyfriend. He doesn’t even know my name but I am bound to him and I won’t be unfaithful.
                  ‘What do you mean?’ Oliver asks. I can still feel how ready he is, he is pushing his hard body against me and it is making it difficult to keep Gabe at the forefront of my mind. His breathing is still hot and heavy from the build up. He wants this. Was this really the right time for me to go all noble?
                  I make a poor endeavour at explaining myself, ‘I mean one minute I am crying and I swear I can hear my heart breaking then the next I am like this this predator and all I want to do is jump on you,’ I speak quickly. ‘I miss Gabe so much. I love him. I am in love with him...’ I’m not sure if it is Oliver I am telling this to or whether I am reminding myself.
                  Oliver’s body deflates and he pulls away from me. His face is stony. I can understand why he is angry. Hell, I’m mad too. All this flirting and teasing since we met. I wasn’t alone in this. He is to blame too. We both knew from the outset how fucked up I am yet he continued to flash those boyish grins my way and lace everything he said with a sexual innuendo.
                  ‘I really like you, Oliver,’ I say softly but I know my affection is a consolation prize at the moment. I can’t bear to see the sad look on his face in case I change my mind again. I know I couldn’t live with myself if I was to give myself to Oliver today. It’s just not right.
                  ‘I really like you too, Cassie,’ is all he says before he gets up in a swift movement, pulls his jeans up and walks out of the room.
                  Stupid, stupid, stupid. I mash the heels of my hands into my eyes to stop the tears. Stop crying. It’s my turn to storm out of the bedroom. Stupid. I should never have made a move on Oliver but wasn’t I going to do it all along? I throw myself at every guy that comes my way. I say I don’t depend on men, on their affection, but it is all I crave. I fell into Maurice’s haunting, vampiric eyes, into his strong arms and ultimately into his bed without a second thought about his vampirism and how it would affect me. What about Gabe? I have devoted so much of my life to a man who I barely know and who doesn’t know me at all anymore. Smart move, Cassie.
                  Now Oliver? I met him four days ago and he has given me some hope. He has made me laugh and made me trust that there are good people out there but I have already hurt him and hurt myself in the process.
                  I have lost track of where my feet have taken me and I am back in the cabin in the woods. Oliver hasn’t followed me. Understandably, I’ve upset him. I am glad I can’t see the rejected expression on his face and know that I lead him and hurt his feelings.
                  In my heart, I know I am right. I want to be with Gabe and I miss him. I am misplacing all these intense emotions and instead of allowing myself to grieve I am focusing my attention on Oliver. In my head, I know that it wouldn’t hurt to feel warm and wanted again. I really do