Free Joan Wolf by Fool's Masquerade Page B

so absolutely alone in my life, not even when my father died.
    I could have it, the dearest wish of my heart. I could stay here at Carlton Castle for the rest of my life. I could be the wife of the man I loved, the only man I would ever love. I should be jumping with joy.
    And yet... I loved him but he did not love me. Oh, he cared for me. I didn’t doubt that. I was his little companion: young Valentine, who so obviously admired and idolized him. He was accustomed to hero worship, however, and did not take it too seriously. He thought I was amusing and he enjoyed my way of looking at life. He thought I was a child. And I knew I was not.
    I was unsophisticated, I didn’t doubt that. It had never crossed my mind that my disguise could place Lord Leyburn—I was afraid to think of him as Diccon, even to myself—in such a difficult position. I was unsophisticated and thoughtless, but I was not a child—not where he was concerned, at any rate. I knew what I wanted from him. I felt it in my blood every time he looked at me.
    It would be terrible for him to have to marry a girl he didn’t want and then to find himself the object of a passionate and possessive love. I am not a lukewarm person. I wanted it all or I wanted nothing. I could bear to live with him as a sort of young sister; I could not live with him as his wife.
    I could not marry him.
    I could not tell him why I couldn’t marry him.
    I would have to run away again.
    The more I thought about it, however, the more difficult that course of action appeared. I could not simply steal a horse and gallop off to my grandparents. Lord Leyburn would be after me as soon as I was missed. He knew the roads much better than I. Without a doubt he would catch me.
    I would have to go to my grandparents. I would have to be able to assure Lord Leyburn that I was safe and protected and that his very generous offer was entirely unnecessary. They were the only circumstances under which he would be able to consider himself released from his responsibility to me.
    The problem was: how was I to get to my grandparents in Lincolnshire? I was still undecided about that when three o’clock came around.
    I didn’t have anything to change into that was more appropriate than what I had on, so I went downstairs to meet his lordship dressed as I was. He was not yet in the hall, but the phaeton was at the door. Georgie was holding the horses and I went out to greet him.
    “Hello, Georgie,” I said glumly.
    He had straightened as soon as he saw me. “Good afternoon, miss.”
    Quite suddenly I was furious. “Don’t you start that, too,” I snapped. “I am still the same person I was. I haven’t changed, it’s everyone else who has changed toward me. I have never met more snobs in my life than among the people who work here. You make the army look democratic.” I glared at him.
    “But, miss,” he began.
    “Don’t you dare ‘miss’ me!” I shouted.
    Quite suddenly he began to grin. “You’re right, Val. You’re still the same. But that dress is much too big for you.”
    I looked down at my person. “I know. I look awful. I wish to God I could have my breeches back.”
    “Hutchins had a fit when he found out about you,” Georgie offered.
    “Did he?” I leaned against the phaeton. “What did he say?”
    We were both laughing when Lord Leyburn came down the front steps. Once again Georgie snapped to attention and his lordship gave him a preoccupied nod.
    “Ready, Valentine?” he asked me.
    “I have been ready since three o’clock. As you requested, my lord.”
    “I’m sorry to be late,” he said, and his mouth curled down a little at the corners. He was amused.
    “That is quite all right,” I replied grandly. “Georgie and I have been having a very interesting conversation.”
    His eyes narrowed. He thought I was funny. I stuck my chin in the air and looked over his shoulder.
    “May I help you into the phaeton, Valentine?” He sounded very courteous. Too