Free Badass Zombie Road Trip by Tonia Brown Page A

answer?”
    “Oh that? Just let him get warmed up a bit. He’ll be right as rain before you know it.”
    “Even the real Dale wasn’t as right as rain. He wasn’t as right as anything. If that is Dale, only Dale-ier, how can it possibly be better?”
    “Fine,” Satan said, crossing his arms and setting his jaw. “I thought I was being a good sport. I thought I was being helpful. But obviously you don’t want any help. I should have learned eons ago how selfish you mortals are. Give a man fire, and how does he pay you back? He burns down your fucking house. That’s what I get for trying to be the nice guy here. You know, just forget about it. The whole thing’s off. By all legality, Dale’s soul belongs to me. You can go fuck yourself for all I care.” He turned on his expensive heel and started to walk away.
    “Wait!” Jonah shouted.
    Satan turned in a slow circle to stare at Jonah.
    In all of their lighthearted banter, Jonah had almost forgotten whom he was dealing with. Satan might have possessed all the charm of a standup comic—or even worse, an improv comedian—but the fact remained: he was still the Lord of Darkness, and he still had Dale’s soul. “I’m sorry. Please. I’m just …” Jonah let the words trail off as he searched his weary mind for excuses. “I’m nervous. Yes. And tired. But this is great. Really. This …” he paused again as he eyed the undead Dale, “… undead thing is just great. Thanks. Really. Thanks for this chance.” Those dark eyes narrowed at every word, leaving Jonah with the suspicious feeling that Satan wasn’t buying a bit of it.
    But the Devil surprised Jonah by asking, “You mean it?”
    For all the seriousness that went into those three words, they came off sounding a little childish. Surprisingly juvenile for a being so old. But Jonah was glad for the reprieve, no matter how immature it was. “Yes! I do. I won’t let you down. By the time I find you, I’ll be so chock-full of stories to share, you’ll have to take a whole week off just to listen.”
    That million-dollar glare returned as Satan drew close and smiled wide once again. “Now that’s more like it.”
    “Yes, I really appreciate what you’ve done for me.” Jonah gritted his teeth to keep from voicing his real opinion, which was far from appreciative.
    Satan leaned in closer to whisper, “Pull back a little, son, you’re laying it on a bit thick.”
    Without warning, undead Dale shouted, “Yes!”
    Mortal and Devil shifted their attention to the undead.
    “Yes, what?” Jonah asked.
    “Yes, I do want you to calm down.”
    Jonah groaned to the sound of Satan’s chuckle. “I can’t believe I am saying this, but the real Dale was much more clever than that thing.”
    “You think that’s bad,” Satan said, “wait until he gets hungry.”
    “Why?”
    “Let’s just say things might get messy.”
    “Messy, huh? He can’t possibly be any more of a sloppy eater than the real Dale. I’ve never seen someone turn mealtimes into pure swill. That man could’ve made a pig trough out of the Last Supper.”
    “Trust me, son. The Last Supper wasn’t as tidy as Leo made it out to be.” The Devil took a few steps away before he turned to face Jonah again, saying, “Well then, it’s settled. I hide Dale’s soul, and if you find it in seven days, then I will turn possession of it over to you. And if you don’t—”
    “You’ll return it to Dale’s body, right?” Jonah asked, just to be safe.
    “Sure, sure. Whatever floats your boat, kid. And on the other hand, if you don’t find Dale’s soul in seven days, you lose.”
    “Oh yeah? What do I lose?”
    “Both your souls.” The Devil said this with such a casual tone, that Jonah almost missed it.
    Almost.
    “What?” Jonah shouted.
    Satan hissed. “Oh, sorry about that. Did I fail to mention that part, too? Boy, I am growing senile in my old age. Ain’t I?”
    Panic rose in Jonah from aft to stern, racking his anxious body